Vent.

Hey I know my usual posts are fun or just happy but this one will contain things about SH, thoughts of suicide, eating problems, abuse, one mention of SA (kinda).

I can’t do it anymore. No one notices. Why don’t they care? Why? I do so much and yet I receive so little. I was a month clean. The thoughts were starting to go away. But no. They just came back. Nothing bad even happened. Maybe I’m just overdramatic? My dads words are coming back to me. “Why did you have to be my kid?” “This is why I hate you.” “You know what you useless piece of sh1t? Go kill yourself. I don’t care.” “Are you really going to eat all of that? Fatty.” Sometimes he would throw things at me. Other times he would just guilt trip me into doing whatever he wanted. He would threaten to kill me and my younger brother if I did anything he didn’t like. He left a lasting mark on me and my brother. My brother HATES getting dirty. You know why? No not because he has OCD. Because my dad would yell at him constantly if he even got the littlest bit dirty. So now he’ll clean himself continuously. It’s a coping mechanism. I love my brother so much. So so much. Me though. What my mark from my dad is. I no longer trust anyone in my family. He’s the main reason I have suicidal thoughts. I now have anxiety about every little thing. And it (pardon my language) fucking sucks. He made me hate waking up. 

I was just 8 dad. Why? I thought I was your little girl? But you said it yourself “I fucking hate my kids. I wish I never had them.” Dad I trusted you. Why did you touch me like that? I was 9 then. I’m your kid. Not your doll. I’m not your wife. I’m your maid. I’m not your servant. I’m not you personal cook. 

I wish I could just kill myself. If I’m being brutally honest. I want to die right now. I’m ugly. I’m lazy. I’m fat. I’m never enough. I need to be better. I hate myself so much.

I’m trying to make myself throw up. And I won’t stop until I see blood. IM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. Why did I have to be born? Why do I have to eat? If it was my choice. I would never eat again. I weight 140 pounds. 140. (If your wondering my height I’m 5’7) I hate my weight. 

Imma quote something really quick “I can feel my bones and it’s fucking nauseating.” Thats exactly how I feel every single day of my life. 

I like watching the blood flow out of my thighs and stomach. It’s nice. 

Well this is the end of my vent. I’ll probably post more vent things soon. Goodnight my Starlights. I love you all so dearly.