last night i dreamt

last night i dreamt about an old friend. its strange because most thoughts ive had of them recently have come and gone quickly. i stopped crying over it months ago and i stopped feeling that overwhelming betrayal and ache in my heart. its more been just those brief feelings of longing and sometimes a small amount of bitterness, but overall resignation and acceptance. most of the good memories are tainted by the negative parts that i couldnt see at the time and now are too present in that im sure it doesnt reflect what actually happened well at all. and even worse i feel like im even starting to forget them entirely, like the time we spent together for years is being overwritten in the span of months. i still see them in everyone i meet, every interaction i have, whenever im reminded of something it comes back to them because of all the time we spent together, and yet i cant piece that all together into one solid person in my memory-- i just end up recalling the fragments in those that resemble them most. the dream itself was strikingly realistic and i believed it was real at first, but i remember that even after i realized it was a dream (which is unusual for me) i still remember not wanting to wake up. it was sort of cathartic for me, even if it wasnt real, to feel like i was getting my thoughts out to them that i couldnt because they cut me off so abruptly. writing in my journal has helped, sure, but this was something else entirely. its also strange for me to remember my dreams-- that doesnt happen often. it started with them joining me on genshin to say they wanted to talk, one of the last places im not blocked. i was shocked at first then i started to relish in the thought "i knew id get an explanation. i knew they cared enough not to leave me in the dark forever." i remember the way they talked was kind of like how we used to, not too seriously as if trying to get me to lighten up. but all of my responses were very cold. i shut them down each time they tried to be funny or warm. we talked on discord after that and they asked to call and i declined. i dont remember what exactly they or i said but i just remember feeling such detachment. i explained myself and expressed that i wasnt interested in reconnecting, and that was it. i wasnt tempted by what we had before at all. and thats when i woke up, and i felt unusually free of anxiety. is this a reflection of how i would really react? its so different than what ive been telling myself would happen in the case we ever talked again. im not sure what to believe. and ill never truly know unless it happens