my plans today 19.09.25

i want to do some tidying up, some clothes i pulled off of the laundry line but haven't sorted into their stations yet

and some things on the floor i don't want to throw away but am still trying to find a place to keep

there are a fuck ton of socks just like. in a pile. under my bed.

i don't really know what to do with them, maybe i can take some time to darn out all the holes in them. 

i am still waiting for my pair of free socks to arrive. <--- won a giveaway. 

i don't know when I'll receive the package but tbat is on my excitements list. 

and my pickled radish is going okay i guess. i feel like I'll need to let it marinate for longer. 

if it goes well i will make a spicy version, kept separately. 

i also will probably do some more scrapbooking. there are a lot of pictures i want to sort out. 

i hate remembering things sometimes. 

Sometimes other people speak fondly of a memory i have nothing but contempt for.

And i can't do anything but wish it was over. 

it's been over. for years now. it still hurts, though, and i don't really know why.

maybe because i never confronted it properly. maybe i don't want to. maybe I'm not ready.  but when will i ever be ready ?

I've been wanting to clean up the area around my desk, which sits under the window, too, because I've been meaning to get curtains installed. 

the blinds quite frankly, suck ass, and get jammed and never work properly. 

When we were moving in, i was like, "i don't like blinds though, can i have fabric curtains instead for my room"

and i did have fabric curtains. BUT,, they were in the other room, which i was in downstairs, before the room i am in now. so now i am stuck with blinds. 

i was actually supposed to be in this room from the start, but my parents weren't keen on the idea of me having to walk up a flight of stairs everyday. At the time i had just gotten used to walking on my own, after being bedridden for quite some time. 

I hate feeling helpless. Like I'm unable to do anything. 

I like feeling like I'm useful, that I can help other people, and that I'm doing more than just being there. 

I hate feeling restricted. it is in my top ten worzt feelings i think. 

the birds are chirping. lowkey i think at some point in the morning, their song kind of mimics the vibration of my alarm clock. could be a coincidence, but then again i heard it's not uncommon with birds. 

I've been having a lot of weird bad dreams again. so i slept on the floor last night. 

i feel like sleeping on an elevated surface is less than ideal for me. I've said it a lot but i get crazy bad nightmares when i sleep on a bed instead of on the floor. 

there are so many things i wanna do. maybe i will have a sandwich for breakfast.