doomed yuri is not for the weak (help)

hai! this is the first time i am writing a blog and tbh i don't even know if i'll even publish it but i have so many things to say and i have nowhere to express these feelings...so here i am! my bad for my shitty english, my first language is not english LOL

i'll use "kel" as my online name cuz i don't want irl people to find this blog or else i am SO SO COOKED. 

anyway um so the truth is that i don't know what to do anymore, just so everyone knows what i am talking about from now on (cuz trust me I AM GONNA YAP A LOT ABOUT THIS SITUATION.), i'm just gonna do a quick resume.

so i met this girl way back in march 2023 through an online game that is lowkey so shitty i'm not even gonna mention it (it IS not roblox.) because i don't want people to find her real identity i'm just gonna call her K for now. so K and i met on that shitty ahh game in 2023 and she already had a boyfriend at that time. at first, we didn't talk much and we were kinda in the same "online friend group". in total we were four in this group but i knew one of them irl, and at first i didn't like K cuz she lowkey just randomly joined my friend group at some point??? like before it was only the three of us and she just randomly joined LMAOOO i was kinda jealous cuz i felt like she was closer to another of my friend that i appreciated a lot so i just DIDN'T LIKE HER!!11

eventually, we shared our socials and we started texting on there. atp i wasn't jealous of her anymore but i felt like i was lowkey annoying her and that she was just polite </3 we were still in that 4ppl friend group but then the friend i knew irl was just a really bad person and lowkey just mean and egocentric so we just ditched her (she was also ruining my mental health BUT WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS IN ANOTHER BLOG!) and then we were only 3 hehe!!! atp i became closer to K and our other friend and we all became best friends!!!...and this is where it all started.

when i met K, she was already in a relationship with another guy. i lowkey didn't care until i became really close to her. yk when someone tells you something that they never told anyone and you just feel so special for knowing that fact?? well that's how i felt and it lowkey made me so happy to be in that sort of relationship with someone, we were still best friends, but we were very close, even SCARILY CLOSE. we would tell each other we loved each other, she would call me her gf and i would do the same as a joke. we were also flirting a lot and it would often even turn to really explicit stuff, we would fight on who would be top or bottom and our pfps are lowkey just a matching profile picture of our roblox characters scissoring rn LMAOOO 

and at one point, in september 2024. she randomly confessed on how i was the person that made her realize that she liked girls back in 2024...and taken out of context it seems like she was lowkey confessing to me BUT like at that time i was ranting on how i was ugly and shit which is lowkey true but that's not the subject, and then she told me that i was just like "oh, she found me pretty so that's how she realized she liked girls" and i didn't overthink it LMAO

TW: mention of suicide

i tried to kill myself back in october 2024 and she was the first person i reached out when i started panicking cuz i had taken lots of pills and i didn't know what to do. if she didn't help me out that day i would probably be dead by now, she was the one that convinced me of waking my parents up. idk why but starting from there, something inside me snapped and idk, i guess i was so grateful that she helped me that my feelings for her started to show at that point??

then, randomly, she started to talk again about how i was the one that made her realize that she liked girls and that time i understood that she HAD a crush on me so AGAIN i guess that because i never thought of her in another way than of a friend, when i started to imagine her as something MORE than a best friend, this is how it kinda started... i fell in love with her and i developed feelings for her.

BUT LOL, we could've been happy together BUT REMEMBER!!!!!!! K was STILL in a relationship with that guy i mentioned at the beginning </3 so anyway, i didn't really care and just tried to suppress the feelings i had for her cuz anyway, she didn't have a crush on me anymore????

well that's what i thought too until had a talk with her brother. he told me that she had a crush on me since she met me and she also told be she was jealous of the girl i had a crush on back in 2024 and apparently kept telling herself stuff like "i would never had treated kel like that if i was her" and um that MADE ME TWEAK?????? atp i wasn't sure if she was still in love with me anymore or if she had moved on (AND REMEMBER SHE'S STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT SAME GUY FROM 2023 THE WHOLE TIME.) so i just tried to get answers in the worst way possible

i started to flirt with her even more than usual and she flirted with me back???? and i tried to discreetly tell her i might had a crush at her at one point (tho i still had one) and idk maybe she's as oblivious as i am cuz she thought i was making fun of her????

SO THIS ALL BRINGS ME TO A FEW WEEKS AGO. we were messing around and kept telling stuff like "i love you more" "nuhuh I LOVE YOU MORE" "LIES I LOVE YOU MORE STOP LYING" and at first it was really funny but i started getting annoyed so i told her that she couldn't love me more than i did cuz she had a boyfriend, which you know, makes sense cuz i am her bsf and nothing more remember!! and ykw i’m just gonna write the whole fight i had with her

me: but you’re in a relationship

K: exactly

me: so the love you have for me can’t equal what i feel for you

K: theres no point of saying that if you were in a relationship too (referring to a certain relationship i was in at some point that technically wasn’t one but she didn’t even try to understand that), and you never even confessed your feelings to me

me: YES I DID but you’re too stupid and you think i am making fun of you every single time???

K: maybe because i'm afraid of being made laugh at??? fr if i had never confessed to you you wouldn't even care about the whole thing and you would not have romantic feelings for me or who knows, maybe you would have fallen even if i’d never not told i had feelings for you at some point, that’s a proof that we can't control what we feel okay and anyway i always told *her boyfriend’s name* that you were the one that made me realize i liked girls and it sounds as if we had been a couple but he knows that even today i love you more than a friend than a best friend or sister idk cuz these feelings don't evaporate even if you're with someone, i fell in love with you before him (that’s a total lie btw she was already in a relationship with him when i met her) and you tell me that as if i could control what i was feeling

you know what, forget it, if you want to say that you love more more, that's fine, but i won't question my feelings because guess what, you can't control them and i am apparently too stupid

me: well, do what you want, okay, but don't piss me off by saying that you love me more if you're already in a relationship with someone, that doesn't make any sense, that's all

her: i’m not saying that i am not in love with *her boyfriend’s name* honestly, i’m just telling you that i know that i always feel more than friendship when i talk to you and feelings can't be controlled. they will dissipate with time because i’m young i don't know anything about love, but it’s the same case for you, it doesn't make sense to say that you love me as if you didn’t try to get into a relationship with someone recently (she was still referencing to that relationship THAT WASN’T EVEN ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE and she couldn’t compare the situation with her boyfriend and what i did but she didn’t get it.), i can't really put it into words but i’m sorry

i don't want us to argue more about that anymore and i’ll understand if you tell me you love me more but i also love you a lot and I don't have the right to open my mouth about that, you’re right

(i got really pissed at that point)

me: it's fine, okay, don't worry, your feelings will dissipate like you said anyway

K: i really don’t wanna make yourself uncomfortable, sorry

me: that's good, don't worry, i’ve known for a long time that it won't work, i didn't have my hopes very high either

this conversation was the first time i clearly stated i had feelings for her.

and then she started to talk to me as if everything was normal but i was still very pissed at this whole thing so i just answered dryly. i cried a lot cuz that conversation just lowkey confirmed that this wasn’t going to get us anywhere and that even if she liked me back she wasn’t gonna choose me anyway. she sent me a lot of long ass texts to apologize, and i lowkey felt bad for her but i was too pissed to even read her whole texts completely. something shitty happened to her a day or two after our fight and despite everything, i wanted her to feel better so i helped her while she was going through that and now i guess it’s back to normal?? i kinda am still pissed at her cuz i don’t even know if she understood WHY i was pissed in the first place. but i still can’t tell her "i love you" even tho i had no problem telling her that before and i can’t even show her some appreciation or flirt with her cuz it doesn’t feels right anymore i feel like i am being humiliated now that she knows what i feel for her :( i wanted to lowkey blow my brains off. i was convinced that she was too in love with her boyfriend and that my feelings didn’t matter to her until i had a convo with her brother yesterday. from what her brother said to me, when we had a big ass argument a few weeks ago, she accused me of "being in love with two persons at the same time" (because of sum shit i told her a few days before we fought and i clarified that up cuz it wasn’t true at all) and from her brother’s pov it seems that she was accusing me of doing the same thing as her so her actions wouldn’t look "that bad" (??) she also said that her feelings for me would also "dissipate" eventually and that she couldn’t control her feelings and her brother think she’d done that cuz she wanted me to stop telling her she couldn’t love two people at once so she wouldn’t get hit by reality yk

she apparently also cried a lot in his arms cuz she didn’t know how to make up for what she did  and she apparently wouldn’t stop talking to the point where her brother thought we weren’t even friends LMAO

i was surprised to hear that cuz wdym she was in love with me too???? i thought that she had, at most, confused feelings but that she liked her boyfriend more than me, not that she WAS IN LOVE WITH ME TOO????

so now i don’t know what to anymore. am i just supposed to stop caring about her, knowing that my feelings for her are reciprocated but that she’s still in a relationship with her boyfriend? also things are still so awkward between the two of us i don’t know what to do. from one hand, i want to show her all the love i feel for her and become the most desperate and clingy person ever, but from the other, i feel like this isn’t gonna lead me anywhere and that i’ll end up getting hurt even more. i don’t wanna look vulnerable in front of her ever again and i don’t know what to do.

i love her so much it hurts.