Creative

12/20/2021

Monday

I’m not a writer. I just take words and use them to my advantage. That implies I’m confident in writing. I am not. I’ve tried and tried before, struggling to make words be set up in a way that makes sense. It only ever looks like I’m copying or imitating. I think that I used to be smarter, and could do something like this. When I write, I feel like there is a group of people who do it and get praised. And I am on the outside of that circle, looking in. Wanting to be like them, yet also not wanting to be like them. Because they seem condescending. That is probably just my brain making things up as usual. I write and think, “Am I doing this right?”. Did I even put those in the right spot? Shouldn’t I know these things? I used to. Or did I?

I keep all of my writings to myself. I am not the writer. That is why. I was meant to be a visualist. The visualist. I don’t have a gift. I don’t have anything for you. All of them that I have met, condescending. Making me feel that they are better than me. Anyone, ever. And I just do not understand. I am not a visual person either. I cannot create. Anything for creatives. Video, audio, written word. Even if I had the resources, I cannot create. Anyone can create, actually. It all depends on if it’s enjoyable. Then there’s critical. I can handle it. I can take someone telling me what I did wrong, and what I should do better next time. But why does it always have to be so goddamn evil? Unlike help, more like, “I think this is wrong and so you should listen to the words of me, and do as I say.” 

And now I’m going to doubt myself again, and say that maybe I’m just taking it the wrong way. How can any of you ever be confident?