a little hope for something

hi, im bfo.

lately things were, tough. 

im loosing my interest in all the small things that kept me happy. makeup, drawing, writting, talking. im forcing myself into believing in something, anything. its hard to have the feeling inside me. to want something that makes me feel joy. 

joy is such a complicated feeling. sometimes i tell myself if nothing really have a meaning, why am i forcing myself to give a meaning to it? why am i trying so hard to not to give up? is it my mom? my friends? im not sure.

i just love them so much but sometimes that love is not for me to get out of bed. i used to love everything and everyone but know it feels forced. and my dreams are just foolish dreams, things i can never achieve. 

im just tired of trying hard to put things together. it feels like the pieces wont match and im forcing them to stay together. it just doesnt work no matter how hard i try. nothing ever got better, not with drugs, loosing weight, crying, studying or finding good friends. there is always something wrong and that thing is me. im wrong.

sometimes my friends tell me im just 15 and im going through so much, but its all my fault isnt it.

everything just lost its meaning, and im trying to find a little hope, im not a quiter.