18,, 09,, 25

The e.e.g went okay I guess. I don't get the results until a really long time after.

I made pickled radish today. I like pickles.

I pretend to be better than I am around my friends.

If I tried listing down my friends, I think I could name five people, but if the basis for being a friend is someone I like being around, like talking to, and genuinely care for in some sort of way, I'd say I know like two or three people. 

I had tuna for lunch today I also really like tuna.

Not tuna spread, I think tuna spread is Just OK.

Tuna chunks r better,, because it's easier to customize when frying.

Mixed vegetables are strange.

Because, see, I quite enjoy the corn and carrots.

I hate the peas, though. 

I have found out that by simply smooshing the peas with my spoon, and thus creating an alternative shape and texture, it doesn't really taste that bad.

I just really hate that circular type of shape, it's difficult for me to eat in food.

Like, I hate cherry tomatoes for that reason.

I don't mind the taste but the shape really messes it up for me so I cut each piece into 8 sections (half, then half, then each piece in half again.)

I never buy cherry tomatoes but my dad often does so I end up using them.

My meals often consist of Whatever I can Find.

I think i can be very creative when it comes to making food.

The other day, I blended some leftover soup with baked beans (about the only source of protein i could find) and then I made some pasta. some pasta water with the blended mixture, and before that i put onions in the pot and sauteed until transparent. then i added some sliced cheese until melted because i didn't have shredded cheese.

it was quite okay, i think.

the texture was a little bit ehh and not as smooth as i wanted to have it,, but to be honest could've been worse.

I like pasta i think pasta is nice.

I want to be able to take care of myself.

I want to be able to take care of others that I care about.

I want to be able to support myself, and I want to live a life of my own.

The path vcarved for me, it's not what i want, it's really not what i want

the thought of it makes me sick and i want to cry

i don't want to give up the things i like for the sake of what people say is righteous.

I don't wanna give up my life for other people

i don't want to never be able to just be myself

i don;t want to have to throw away all things i genuinely love to fit into the only practical way of life.

i mean, i could just stay here forever, it;s safe here

i could just be here  forever

but that's not what i want.

so i won't

I've been wanting to build up a portfolio for my art stuff.

And I've been trying to talk to other people more.

I know that to a lot of people around me, I am lost and wrong and misled and just so full of sin.

"westernized"  "unaware" "naive know-nothing" "disconnected"

People like me,

"devil's child."

Know too much, know nothing. Restrain yourself too much, never say anything.

Nothing, nothing, nothing is ever enough

Why should i try being enough> like i fuvkcing care anyway, id ont wanna please everyone around me anymore its fucking tiring i'll listen to punk music if i wanna i dont care if you thinkj its all druggies

i'll make obscene art if i want i'll make lewd writing if i want.

it is pretty fucking scary, though.

it;s not like i dont want to do these things. it's not like i don't want to wear whatever i like, and to be open about my identity. it's not like i don't wanna share my art, it's not like i don't want to be honest and true/

it's just that there;s no suppiort, yk? only punishemnt,/

like if i decided, one day,

I don't wanna dress modestly anymore. I'm going to make artworks. and yes my artworks are detailed and show depth in some sort of way. And also I'm going to be openly queer.

I'd probably not have the amount of support i have now, i  probably wouldn

t be able to live like i do right now, ""safely."

i don't have anyone to lean to, i don;t have anyone to rely on.

if my parents stop providing for me, i'm done for, you know?

That's why i wanna become self sufficient.

I feel embarassed and envious when the people around me talk about being independent, and when people say I should become more independent.

I'm trying, and it's not something i can jump into so easiyly like some others can.

SOme people told me :""you're old enough to drive now, why not learn how to drive??"

i am lie=terally still recoveering from a medical consition

and i acan;t afoford that shit right now there are so many other thn=ings i have to think about

i hvent aeven done my secondary school exama s i im fucking struggling to make a bank account----

and it's not even a current account im applying for a savigsa ccount and the bank hasn t gottne n bback to me and i went to the building like twice and they stull havent and it SUCKS. okay i hate it.

i really need to focus more on my education

sometimes i feel like i'm so fdumb but like, i'm actullaly really fucking smart i just never find myself able to study because there isn't people telling me what to do there;s no guide

and idk i just feel helpless at times like these

like where am i gonging wtih my futurea??

do i even ajhave one at his phoieint??

ughm.ugh i hate it. i

m trying to get better like seriously i'm trying yo put my olife together.

that's enought for now, it hink.

I just want to be able to live my own life, just for me,

that;s really my only goal and my one true goal in life rigth now

I want to live a life for myself, where i can be true to myself, where i can be me without reprimand