💣 | Recent Thoughts

I think it's the side effects of the pills but I think I'll be fine. Something happened and I don't know if I have the guts to go to work at this point. I am thinking of resigning and just rot at home as I continue to finish my studies. It doesn't seem like a bad idea but in reality, it actually is. I'll be isolated once again and that is something that I no longer want to go through. I've been alone more than I wanted and it's about time that I had enough of that.

But how am I going to face them?

I don't want to deal with any awkwardness or tensions because of what happened but I know that there are a lot of things that are out of my control. I cannot help it. I am the way that I am and I'm just simply being myself. Having the need to control that will destroy me completely. I can ignore everyone and become cold but that's not going to be me anymore. I want to be myself authentically.

Is it bad for me to love others just because I know that deep down in my heart, I have so much love to give? Not being able to give that to those who deserve it will make me self-destruct. I want to give my all in everything that I do becauss I am also a fleeting memory to others just like what the rest of us humand are dealing with. I want my chapter in their lives to be a memorable one.

It does sound as if I'm saying goodbye.

I don't know what's going to happen after 2 weeks. My fast healing is not guaranteed at all. I want to look at the bright side of things and I'm really doing my best to not think of negative ones but I sometimes can't help it as well. I really think it's the side effects of my medication. It's been so dark and heavy lately. I'm at war with my own thoughts. I just want everything to go back to normal.