Habeas Corpus Delicti

Your Honor, my brain has entered a guilty plea!

     Let me be very clear: this is a strict legal matter.

     I didn’t decide to think the things I think. My brain acted independently, without my consent, and now it’s facing trial. I’m just the lawyer.

     Thoughts are crimes.

     Not all of them, obviously! Thinking about, let's say, food isn’t illegal. Neither is thinking about a crime without doing it! But when my brain won't let me sleep at three in the morning, and instead tells me to touch myself to the thought of maggots...? That’s premeditated. That’s a felony.

     And the worst part? The jury is made up entirely of my subconscious thoughts. The thoughts I'm not even aware of! Which means the prosecution and the defense are both me, and they’re corrupt as hell. They keep bribing each other with cigarettes and useless spending.

     The judge? Also me. Completely biased, as well! He keeps falling asleep during opening statements. 

     The public keeps talking during trial, and making the whole thing hard to hear. It doesn't even matter, though. The verdict was decided before the trial even started: guilty!

     So now my brain is going to prison, but guess who has to live in the cell with it?

     Me.

     And I didn’t even commit the crime! It was a set-up!

     So, that's why I don’t meditate.