reflection

mainly a reflection of this weekend but i consider my behavior throughout the weekend to be just an extension of how ive been feeling ever since coming to college so I really wanted to take some time to document this and figure things out

as im writing this I am accompanied by lily chou chou playing through my cd walkman!!! i feel at home. its the first time i touched my cd player since i came to new york!

i bedrotted the whole day on friday

bedrottd but a bit less yesterday

bedrotted but a bit more less today

did not do that many assignments which is why I'll be busy specifically the next 2~3 days!!! these are merely the consequences of my actions

i think the new life style change has been whats been freaking my brain out

1. obviously I am not at home

2. I am sharing a space with a lot of people

3. I have a lot more free will

4. I have to take care of myself

I sleep really well, but then I'd wake up and see my ceiling and realize its not my home and feel a bit weird and out of place

I like my dorm. its comfy and i brought a lot of things that remind me of home. I also brought this room spray i like so it smells kinda like home too. but its still not exactly home!! and it feels even weirder knowing that im all the way in new york!!!! what the hell....thats literally on the other side of the country bruh

id keep having these awkward snaps into reality whenever i would take a break from doomscrolling too. I think I've been consuming a lot of content that brings me comfort and escapism (i.e. childhood shows, videos relating to games I've liked in the past, doomscrolling through channels i like). I think I just like how these content makes me feel more at home. 

also im pretty used to bedortting!! esp coming back from summer break

I honestly think I really just needed some kind of shutdown in a way. I wanted to just feel more isolated from the new environment im in and to feel more at home. I just laid in my bed in comfy clothes while doomscrolling and occasionally texting my mom ab literally nothing.

It's just been especially lonely and homesickening after having a sudden realization that my friends are all doing their own stuff. Also i had a hunch this one friend thought i was annoying for a while so i stopped texting this one gc i was in, but she recently commented on this reel i posted on my cfs so now im realizing she doesnt hate me! hooray!

I want to ft my friends more during my free time and check on them and stuff but it honestly hasnt been easy like ermmm i can try to initiate it but honestly idk what id say and also what if theyre busy!!! idfk!!!!! but also ik that they prob wont gaf though and im kinda just overthinking ab it hehe but its just still smth that takes a lot of like...brain power for me to do!

im entering my 4th week of college starting tomorrow (which is crazy) and ive gotten pretty adjusted to the environment, but im also still nervous and overwhelmed by things still! I'm still in my adjustment period, and i feel like it'll feel like that often throughout my whole entire first year anyway. so i want to be a bit more forgiving to myself and let myself adjust to the environment step by step

while i was doing crazy intense bedrotting on friday i actually felt like i was going to die like idfk its bc i could hear ppl outside and i knew a lot of ppl were just around campus w plans and i was just bumming out in my bedroom. But honestly, I needed some of it. It's just been something thats been part of my routine for a while albeit im not proud of it. I can't just suddenly become a new person just because I've switched environments! Switching environments might help facilitate changes but the lifting still has to come from me and its supposed to be a gradual process.

i dont think this weekend was a complete waste of time. i spent time w friends, spent some time thinking about what i want to do, and also today i watched arcane w my friends (instead of doing work lolll)

and also i watched some vids ab first year college experiences (to cope) and there was a lot of stuff ab just focusing on figuring things out so that made me feel better! I also purposefully planned out a lighter load of classes for this year so...ya! the point is that i can take as much time as I need to adjust to life here.

my list of homework due during this week does intimidate me and stress me out a little, but ik I'll figure out a way!!!

After showering today and reflecting on my weekend, I finally found the energy and courage to try to plan things out and organize my thoughts out!

My goal for this week:

• Have a todo list for at least 4 days this week
• Journal at least 4 days this week
• Get to classes at least 10 minutes early!

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And this is about it. I was thinking of doing more assignments but id think id prefer if i have myself more time to sleep in I think. It mightve been a sorta uneventful weekend but im glad im here right now feeling better about things and having the ability to write all of these things out. I'd like to think things will be ok! There will be difficult times but I'll figure out a way to get through them!

I will write a brief todo list for tmr (on this notepad my friend gave me, that ive been using throughout summer break back at home!) and go to bed. I have a master todo list on my notion but theres so much shit that it ends up overwhleming me and i dont do shit

OK!!! im gonna try to have a good week!! but as long as im trying to make it better bit by bit, thats all that matters!!!!!