JUST LOVE ME ALREADYYYYYY (love sucks part two)

You can tell I'm addicted to blogging the way I immediately scrambled to tell you guys everything.

If you have read the bulletin or last blog, congrats, you might have guessed what this is about. Like I've said: love is electric. It hurts in the best and worst ways possible. Despite that curiosity, that yearning that may beg you to delve head first into danger, it’s still electric and it will hurt you.

I consider myself decently nice. However, I also mentioned that being kind has landed me in the worst of places. In the wrong hands and at the wrong times. I've felt it all and it may be because of my naivety and blissful ignorance. I wanted to be a kind person even if it was undeserved. Basically I believe I can be kind even if it hurts me.

It backfired. He’s been kind, comforting, and overall a good friend. He’s said he loves me, platonically of course, and I was happy with just that. At least I knew what I was to him, right? After a call, he said he loved me so much. I appreciated it. Then he said he would date me if I was his type. If. That single letter that changed everything. A single ash into a forest. Love is supposed to be like a fire, but I forget just how much it can truly burn.

He prefers aggressive women. If I’m kind, am I the opposite of what he likes? You might be thinking something along the lines of “it’s just his type, doesn’t mean it can’t happen”, but it hurts. Why let me know that I’m not your type? I’m just a friend. Don’t tell me you would date me if I’m not even the type of person you’re attracted to. Or was this an attempt at stringing me along? I was happy being a friend, but I've never felt so confused and uncomfortable. I feel pathetic. Was I being obvious? Does he like me at all? Do I act like I feel nothing? I truly wish I never called him that night. I wish he would’ve been quiet or thought of literally anything else to say.

I’m kind. I’m kind, and it’s backfired now that I know kindness might not be what he wants. I don’t even need to push him away, he did that beautifully on his own. Not to say I’ll actually push away from him and this friendship, but I want these feelings and this ache to die. I won't leave a friend hanging, so I'm spilling my guts to whoever reads as always. I don’t want love. No, I hate love.

To my friends that let me rant about it, I’m forever grateful and I wish nothing but joy for you. To anyone that reads out of curiosity or the similarities we may share, thank you and I deeply apologize if you can relate. To those that have been hurt and rejected before having the blooming chance, I see you. Love is painful and it’s bittersweet, but don’t let that stop you from loving yourself or giving anything the opportunity to grow. I firmly believe that love exists. From friends to strong relationships.