So last night was something

Shroom trip was interesting. Tripped way harder then I thought I was going to but I am in no way complaining. Had a huge ass realization about myself and I feel kind of bad that it took mushrooms for me to realize this

I'm in love with him

I knew that I love him and that he's very important to me but I wasn't aware of exactly how deep my love for him ran. I want him in my skin. I want his scent in my clothes and on my blankets. I want to smell his cologne on my skin and on my favorite hoodie. I want to find his hair in my luggage after visiting him so I know that it was real and not just a dream. I want to have pictures of us in my gallery and I want to take him on fun dates and prove to him that I love him for him. He's actually the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't know  I can ever properly tell him that or get him to believe that. I love him more then I love Cocaine. More then I love Mario Kart and getting drunk. He is everything to me and I am so incredibly happy that I get to call him mine. I want to be selfish about him

I'm scared of him leaving me. I hope he won't. I want him in my life forever even if that's just as a friend. Even if he's just another follower on my Twitter. I want part of him in my life forever. I never want to forget him. He's too important to me. He thinks he's evil. That he's going to hurt me in some way. I don't believe that he's going to. I trust that he won't. I know he can be better. That he can be good. I trust him fully and wholeheartedly

I told him earlier that I will make him a mixtape with songs that remind me of him. He sent me some suggestions and I think they're perfect. I will use some of them, but I have a separate plan for that exact list in specific. If you're reading this you didn't see this next string of text. I plan to make two separate mixtapes. Both of them in the same case but different discs and different outro messages. I plan on recording my own messages for him at the end of each CD. I have some ideas jotted down and a slight rough draft for the one that will be comprised of the songs that make me thing of him. There's so many songs that he reminds me of. It's going to be hard to choose but I think I have a good idea on what ones I want to use

I don't like looking forward to things that I can't guarantee but I'm beginning to allow myself to look forward to meeting him one day. I don't care that I'd have to get on a plane. I don't care that he lives across the country from me. I will get there one way or another. I need to feel his hand in mine. I need to know what he smells like. I need to see his smile in person. I need to feel his pulse as he lays on my chest so that I know that he's real. So I can prove to myself that he's alive 

The concept of being alive scares me. That's my main fear of meeting him. He's going to know that I'm a real person. He'll get to see all my flaws in person and watch me move. He'll know that I'm actually really fucking boring and that I'm just another fucked up man in this fucked up world. That I'm no better then anyone else. I don't want him to be disgusted by me. I hope he won't be. I don't want him to think that I'm a bad person. I don't want him to know that I breathe and that I have blood flowing through my veins. At the same time I want him to spill that blood. I want him to take advantage of me and prove to me that I am worthy of his love. I want him so bad it's not even funny. I love him and he loves me. He is perfect in every way and I am not

I'm on call with him. He knows I'm writing this but he doesn't know what about. He knows now. Hello my love. :))) I know you're reading this and I want you to know that I love you so fucking much. You're amazing and I want the best for you. I want you to be happy and I want you to know that you are good. That you are loved. That you are valued and important. I don't know if that means much from me but I hope it does. I hope that you understand exactly how much you mean to me even if it's not today. Even if it's not in a week. In a month. In a year. I just want to prove to you that you are worth things. That you deserve good things. That you're not evil. That you're not a monster. You are more then that. 

I love you darling <333