One depressive episode later...

So... I fell into a depressive episode about a month ago and didn't get out of it until two weeks ago. I wish I could say what started it, but honestly, I'm not even sure how. Could be because of my new manager, or all the changes that have been implemented at work, or starting school again, or my stomach aches getting worse and worse, who knows what did it, maybe all of it. Because of it, I realized smoking weed wasn't helping me in any of it. I was smoking weed after an hour of waking up, to the first thing I did when I came back from work, to then again before I went to bed. I smoked weed before I ate, before I watched anything, before I went out, even before going to work (which was a real problem since I work with kids). And the only time I ever felt "normal" was when I was high. It was like I forgotten how to get through life without any vices, which is odd because I went through some of my most painful life experiences completely sober, so why did it feel impossible to do anything without being high out of my mind? I'm still not sure, all I can say is I've been sober for ten days now and feel much better than I did two weeks ago. I will say, after this episode, I realized something unfortunate but inevitable; these depressive episodes aren't going anywhere. Sure, I can say smoking weed made this episode especially hard (and it did), but every other episode I had before was when I was sober. It's like I felt this impending doom before any actual change happens and convince myself that I'm not as ready as I thought I'd be. Hence, I become extremely overwhelmed and have no idea what to do with myself, I start feeling anxious and disappointment. I'm aware that change is unavoidable so this realization is fucking annoying because that's all life is, changes. I hope as I get older, change won't feel as difficult as it does right now, but only time will tell. Now, I'm entering that sweet period where my days feel brighter and I remind myself how grateful I am for coming out of that depressing mindset I was stuck in. I'm glad I'm okay now, and I'm glad I still have it in me to get myself on the other side. I'm still so young and have so much life to live and so many lessons I still need to learn, but one day at a time. Until then, let's hope I end the year on a good note.