Guess who's back and feeling awful!!!11!!!

SO after I don't even know how long (a couple of months I think) I'M BACK and I feeeeelllll not the best. I mean I feel better than I usually do because I actually started to hangout with friends..like consistently.. I know finally I'm hanging out with friends more regularly for the first time at 17 almost 18 years old, but hey better late than never or whatever ^^; that being said I feel generally bad cause I have to start applying to college and shit (T^T) like this is way too serious and scary for my liking,, I swear I just want to enjoy myself for once y'know? like I want to go out to parties and get drunk on really shitty alcohol and get a partner ,, on another bad note I relapsed and cut myself again after actually doing good and not doing it for a couple of months so that's great ig,, IDK maybe I'll get better and I won't ever do it again but I'm not hopeful of it right now