Idfk pretend this is a cool title

No clue what to categorize this under because it's just gonna be a bunch of random bullshit and will probably end up being about my boyfriend. 

My Mom's coming to town today and I get to see her my brother and Nana. That's cool. I wish I could say that I missed them but I didn't. I'm told that makes me a bad person but I rarely experience the emotion of missing someone. There are very few people that I am capable of missing and that list is very short. I miss my boyfriend even though I've never even met him in real life. I'm told that's stupid by my other friends and that it makes no sense. How can you miss someone you've never held. Someone you've never felt. Someone you've never seen. It may not make sense but I feel it anyways and that's enough for me to deem it important. He's important to me

My roommates are jealous of him. I think jealousy is a pathetic and ugly thing to have. I don't get jealous. It makes no sense to me. I can recognize it in others really quickly because of how much it disgusts me. You don't deserve everything. You don't deserve anything. Especially my attention and love

I want to get back into competitive Mario Kart but I'm afraid of getting to excited and hurting myself. Mario Kart makes me happy but it also makes my heart race. My heartrate is all fucked up so get a heartrate of 170 sitting and playing it. I don't think that's normal but nobody knows what's wrong with me. That wasn't always the case though. Don't overdose and almost fucking die guys. It has negative effects on your health even if you don't experience it at first. If I could go back and tell myself to never touch drugs and to never get with my ex I would but that's not possible. I guess this is regret? I wouldn't say that's entirely what it is. I don't regret the experience I guess I just regret how it effected me when it was more or less 'over'. This is just how I get to live now and that's my fault. I made those choices and now I have to deal with the consequences

Speaking of consequences... I need to learn to take those into account before I do or say things. I know that I need to but I don't. I don't think about them before I do things and it always ends up fucking me over. I don't learn from my mistakes. I repeat them endlessly. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm like this. I just want to be normal and like everyone else. I don't know why I have to be special. This isn't special. Special is suppose to be good. I am bad. Why can't I be good. Why do I have to be the bad guy in ever scenario. Why can't people like me and want to be my friend without negative intent. Why does everyone hurt me

I have been happier then I have been in a long while. I know the reason and that makes me feel nice. I'm happier when I'm around him. He listens to me. He understands me. He doesn't judge me. I love him and I know he loves me. This is a new feeling that I've never felt before. Love is a new feeling to me in general. I have always been aware of the idea of love but I've never actually felt it in a real and excruciating way. He makes me sick. He makes my chest hurt and my stomach ache. He makes me nauseous in the best way possible. I never want to get used to it. I want to feel as awestruck and excited every time he says he loves me just like it was the first time until he decides that he doesn't love me anymore. I don't want him to stop loving me. Ever

I know that there will come a time where he gets bored of me. It happens. Time moves and it moves too fast for my liking. If I had my way I would be selfish when it came to him. I would pause time and space just to ensure that I could be with him as long as possible. The thought of loosing him makes me feel... Scared. Yeah. That's the right word I think. I don't know why but I can assume. He gets me like nobody else ever has. I don't think anybody else ever will. I don't want anyone else to. He's special. Special in that good way that I wish to be. He's good. He may not believe it but he is. He deserves more then I can give him. He deserves better then me. I am not worthy of his love and attention but I hope he never realizes that

My roommates are all leaving for various reasons right now. I have to wait until my Mom gets into town to leave. We're all going to Texas Roadhouse for dinner tonight. I'm excited. I'm going to eat 50 rolls with way to much cinnamon honey butter. When I get home I want to talk to him more. I want to watch him draw and listen to him talk. He likes to educate me on things I don't know much about. I love it when he rambles about his interests or his day. I love his voice. I love his accent. I love every thing about him. Yeah we text all day and sleep on call every night give or take but that's not enough. I need him in my skin. In my veins like a drug that's just too good to be real. Usually love hurts me. He doesn't hurt me in a literal sense. He just makes me feel emotions and that's scary. It's new

He's sleeping right now. I hope he's having good dreams and got good rest. He deserves it. I don't know why I end up talking about him every time I write one of these. Probably because he's all I think about and the only good part of my life. Perhaps that's pathetic and obsessive. I hope he doesn't find that weird

Anyways I'll probably write more tonight. This is oddly therapeutic and really enjoyable to be honest. I should make it a habit since I can't write in my physical notebook anymore. My roommate opened it and read it last night without my permission. She yelled at me and called me disgusting and sick. Told me that I'm a horrible person and that there's no hope for people like me. I don't like her. She needs a reality check and I can't wait to give that to her once I can move out of this hell hole of an apartment. I'm rambling. Sorry about that. I'll check back in later. 

If you're reading this I love you more then I could ever explain in words. You are important. You are valued. You are special. You are my everything. You're all I need <333