Thu 11.09.25

9/11

yesterday a trump dude got assassinated

I'm irritable. Extremely so. Sniffling noises bother me again, and they bother me deeply. I'm enraged.

My father was trying to talk to me about my shoe choice. I don't know why they're going into my room to look at my shoes. That's not cool. I left.

For breakfast, a plate of four tiny, disturbingly dry microwave pancakes drenched in syrup was waiting for me next to a disproportionately large mountain of sour cream. After finishing those, I ate a tiny bit of the wise and ancient cream cheese frosting that has still somehow gone unspoiled in the back of our fridge. It contains no cream cheese.

I finished this off with the remains of my overly sweet cookies and cream milk, tasting mild and pleasant in comparison to frosting. This all felt pretty miserable. I wish we had real food.

Bob is bringing something, I think. He said he will bring fruit, but did not elaborate. I'm pretty curious. I'm bringing him a tiny brie cheese and kurut. I brought 3 smoked and 3 plain, after convincing him to try what I first described as a dried salty yogurt ball.

I'm on the train to campus now. The train conductor took my ticket pass thing a stop too early. I had a linkin park song stuck in my head, but I just couldn't find what it was. Listened to the first 15 seconds of all the songs in all the albums I could think of. I can't remember what the lyrics were.

My bug spray leaked out in my bag. Not a ton, but it still stinks. I'm sure I won't be bothered by a bug for a while now.

I have english. Then dance. Before that, I have an hour to spend with bob. I got 5 hours of sleep last night. Stayed up till 1 sitting in the bathtub doing statistics homework.

I should buy new deodorant. The one I have is so old that it crumbled on the floor. I have to use little crumb bits now.

I should also get headphones. The noises and voices of my house are absolutely unbearable, even with green noise at full volume to quiet them out, and linkin park on top of that, I still hear them far too clearly.

This is my stop. Good day. 09:33

//

14:21

I just got out of dance class and a meeting. Dance class made me cry. The meeting lady was really nice and gave me chocolate to make me feel better. I ate it quickly. Did indeed make me feel better - it was pumpkin shaped. and orange and everything.

I'm gonna wait for bob to finish class now. Maybe CVS has a coupon for me and I can get something pleasant to eat. I like this place, even if some people are kinda mean. I like nice desk lady.

I have to send an email to get accomodations. I also have to try getting my statistics book again. I'm gonna get it on the website on the receipt. If that doesn't work, I'm going back to the bookstore. yeah.

I also need to finish my stats homework. I'm still practicing being myself. It's really scary, but it feels good. It's not always appealing or pretty. Sometimes I need to step out of class for five minutes, and sometimes that means participation points off my grade.

14:40

I was walking to the science building before realizing it's college hour, and everyone is out and about, probably studying up there.

On my way I found two extremely melted and suspicious recess cups. I passed by them at first. Then I turned around and stared at them, making sure they are not anyone's. Watched some firefighters, fully suited, pass by. Went behind them and grabbed the candy. I sit in a random administration building that was on my way. Maybe the air conditioner will solidify these enough, and I won't need to take a trip to CVS. If not, I'll take them to that one room in garden building, it's definitely cold enough in there.Or maybe I'll just eat them melted. I hope they aren't poisoned or something. Maybe this was a social experiment of some sort.

it's 21:35

I am alive and well. Ate them melted, no regrets. Ate apple and nectarine in human resources building. Graham crackers and cheese too.

Went to CVS. bought two tubes of chips and a caramel for 7 cents total. Ate chips with bob. Found light reflector sticker patch on ground. Gonna sew it on my pants. Might make the blues of my jacket more green. 

I left bob an hour early, earliest ive come home from campus on my own in the past few weeks. It was the 8:45 train that I took, around. I hugged him goodbye, and he said, "really?" In a sort of doubting tone. I said yeah. It felt good, I wish I could hold onto him for a bit longer. I told him I'll see him tomorrow.

Caught a shiny blue psyduck in a swimming tube on my way home, on pokemon go. I was chatting with grim, and I told him I'd give it to him if we do ever meet. I need a job still. I feel frustrated with my lack of work done, but I guess that's what happens when most of your work is internal.

Hanging out with bob has been feeling pretty good. It feels equal, a lil more even. I accept him accommodating me when I need it, without much guilt or shame. I even ask for it. And I accommodate him and his wants/needs too. I don't really fantasize about being taken care of, or wanting to not be a child. I feel like a man next to my fellow fried man. I wear large, worn out, black work boots. He wears slightly dirty jordans, black and white with rose accents by the heel and from the logo. I feel no lesser and no greater, I feel different in my own way, and I'm comfortable and confident and sure in it. And he is skilled and respectable and cool in his way, and I value and admire him for that.

Choppy words in a sloppy flow

Shotgun opera, lock and load

Cock it back and then watch it go

Mama, help me, I've been cursed

Death is rolling in every verse

Candy paint on his brand new hearse

Can't contain him

He knows he works