Cain, the rotten heart

Writing Cain has always been a little bit difficult for me because for the longest time i didn't know what to do with him until i realized the entire story is viewed from his angle and i had to put him more on the spotlight (one would think i'd have this settled alredy and yet).

ANYWAYS, Kai "Cain" Nakamura (I’m going to change his name eventually, I just haven’t found one that fits yet), is 29 years old at the time of the story and its main driving force. He’s the town’s designated lumberjack as well as a hunter for hire, living on the outskirts of St. Michael’s. 

He's a hardheaded, short tempered, callous asshole whose interests mostly lie within himself. He has little regard for those he doesn't care about and can be antagonistic, sometimes even downright cruel and soulless with those he dislikes. Yet Cain always puts his whole heart into whatever he does, and this extends to how he loves: he’s loyal to a fault, unwavering in his devotion, and surprisingly tender with those closest to him. If you have Cain’s heart, he’ll do anything for you, come hell or high water.

He carries an immense amount of love he doesn’t know where to put. Love that once belonged to his best friends now rots inside his chest, festering into a profound sense of despair and loneliness. He’s obsessed with finding Apolo, convinced it’s the key to fixing everything and returning to the happy days they once shared, hoping this will fill the gaping hole in his chest. Ever the nostalgic, he never moved on from his 20's, not because he acts like he's 20 (although he is bullheaded like one) but because, in his mind, that's the last time he ever felt something.

Since the story is told through Cain’s perspective, many of the “lies” the audience is led to believe are actually parts of the story out of context, or shown in a different light. This is because his outlook is quite narrow, and he refuses to lconsider the bigger picture. Nadia, on the other hand, has a broader understanding since she's been relentlessly looking for answers, but some parts of the picture are still missing. 

If they were willing to talk to each other about the situation they would come to a solid conclusion not too far off of the truth, but to do things differently would require them to be someone else, and neither of them is willing to give in.

Cain’s disdain for Nadia stems from a deep sense of betrayal. He believes she should be helping him search for Apolo, and the fact that she not only refuses but also distances herself from it, hurts him to the point of turning any emotion within him into a blinding, white-hot rage that often ends very badly for both of them. If Cain ever admitted what he truly feels, he’d probably break down in tears, begging her to explain why she abandoned him and Apolo, and why she can’t even talk about their best friend as if the mere memory of their time shared together was painful to her. 

He’d probably ask what went wrong, how things got so bad, and, if pushed, he would admit that he misses her dearly, that she's the only person nowadays that brings him even the smallest amount of comfort in this world.

I think he's one of my loneliest characters, his purpose driving him further away from anyone that ever cared about him and in turn making him look for it even harder. Along the years he grew used to being on his own and became entirely self reliable, which is a double edged sword: his failures as well as his victories rely solely on him, and there's only so much weight he can bear in his shoulders before toppling down and falling straight into rock bottom. His stubbornness makes things worse, since he refuses to ask for help.

Cain wasnt always this distant and volatile person, sure he was never the most patient nor friendly, but the extreme way he's able to go from 0 to 1000 in mere seconds is not something he was born with but rather the aftermath of a psychiatric intervention he underwent. I'll touch on this on another post because i still have to do some research on it, but the gist of it is that Cain’s mind is fractured in more ways than one. He just learned to live with it and hide it from others.

Unlike Nadia, Caín can be very unpleasant to be around since he doesn't really bother with playing any social roles. He won't spare any niceties nor entertain small talk, he's all business and if you arent interested in that, then he's not interested in talking to you. It's not that Cain is business oriented, he couldn't care less about money, it's the townsfolk and the inevitable drama they bring along that annoys him to no end.

Ever since he was young he faced strong criticism for being everything a kid shouldn't be, just like Nadia. A rebel without cause, intent on doing what he wants without a care in the world as to how he might be perceived. This often landed him in vicious fights with his parents (particularly his dad) for disobeying them as well as the cult church, making him seek refuge in his friends, whom he considered his real family.

I won't talk about his relationship (past or present) with Apolo because this post is already long enough lmao but I’ll just say this: in Cain’s mind, Apolo has become more symbol than memory. He idolizes him more than he actually loves him. Cain’s desperation for the warmth and light Apolo once gave his life has left him worshiping a pretty lamp, mistaking it for the sun.

Placeholder image until i finish his potrait

I know it may look like i hate him by the way i talked about him in this post but i really don't, he may be a bastard but he's MY bastard.

Song: The Heavy Snow - Nastyona