Wed 10.09.25

A chinese dude, probably an exchange student, came up to me asking for an iphone charger. Then bro proceeded to ask me if my eyes are natural and told me that they're really pretty, like the green sky in the evening, and like my hair. He says he's never seen green eyes before. I don't know when the sky is supposed to be green, but it was really cute and nice. He had a nice headband, and I told him that his eyes are pretty too. He had good eyelashes.

I'm really odd recently. Really fake. I thought it was a yesterday thing - but I'm just being silly. I'm being too nice. I'm being stupid. But I don't feel all of it genuinely. Or maybe I do? A dude in a van is staring at me, it's pretty funny-looking. He's wearing sunglasses, but I know his head is pointing directly at me, and he moves when I look up at him. 

Anyway, I'm being really weird. I'm childish - less scared to look stupid, less scared to make mistakes, less scared to tell someone they have pretty eyelashes. Less scared to be silly in dance class. Actually, I think this started in yesterday's dance class. We were told to do all these moves, and I felt so unconfident and lost, but I did it anyway. One might say I did them with a bit of confidence. I was allowed to be silly and make mistakes, because everyone was doing it. Bob was also being silly, when we were later walking together, and telling me how he's annoying his sister. I guess that just woke this up in me.

Every time I do something silly and dumb, and make a mistake with a little bit of boldness, I feel disgusted and ashamed. But it doesn't last very long. I wonder what anyone thinks - and they don't seem to change their opinion of me at all. I can argue a lady at the counter over tax, and she finds it amusing. Bob's friend from dance class just greeted me for the first time - by name, though I've never talked to her. Bob still thinks I'm as worthy as always. Strangers might stare, some might dismiss me, but generally? I feel alright about it. It feels okay. Despite everything, I still feel safe being like this, and that itself feels threatening.

Bob has a weird professor. He makes them write essays for being late, and he wants everyone to be five minutes early. He takes student's phones for extra credit. Bob is scared of him, complying to every rule, but when presented with the suggestion of dropping the class, he said "but he's so entertaining!"

In fact, bro fought hard to stay in this class. He had to ask a teacher to let him leave class early so he can make it on time. He called it the class of his dreams with the psychopath of his dreams. I imagine it's some weird trauma bonding shit. Or maybe this professor is just that charming? 

18:15

I tried being real for once. Past my learned control trying to choke out the first learned set of behaviors, and past those too, I found myself for a hot second.

I don't really know what I act like, I noticed. I sit and think a lot. I look at people more. But because I'm only like this when I'm alone, I'm very inside myself. I'm thinking, I'm analyzing my experiences, and I'm analyzing the world in relation to myself. What I'm not doing is taking care of other's needs and paying attention to them, even if they're my friends. That's problematic.

That's not something I'm willing to change right now, though, I still need a mode of being just for tending to myself, and this is it. A very vulnerable, sensitive period of time. I can't afford to get that inner layer of me hurt. That's why I built the other code scripts for socializing. 

When I look in the mirror, i find my expression disturbingly and amusingly similar to photos of post-service military people. It feels so exaggerated and ridiculous, what have I done in my life to earn such a resting face? I haven't been through a war or a boot camp. My experiences don't feel comparable, yet there he is, staring back at me just like that.

I might be going to the gym tomorrow.

22:51