...how do so many people not understand trauma...?

Trauma is when an event, something happens in someones life, and that event has such an impact on them it literally changes how their brain works.  It's part of how we learn, but can become a detriment....  Imagine someone being hit, over, and over again.  Someone raises their hand near them, and they flinch.  That's trauma.  They react without thinking, because their brain is wired to prepare for that event happening again.  Sometimes, there's nothing you can do to prepare, but your mind doesn't accept that.  You become stressed, anxious, your brain goes into survival mode, to fight for your life, or run for your life, but maybe there's no danger to run from, nowhere to run to, you can't do anything, so you start to panic.  Your breathing changes, your heart races, your mind is over whelmed, you can't even think straight.  You're freaking out, but to anyone else, there's nothing wrong, they don't see what's going on in your head, they don't understand the nightmare you're reliving, and the fear you're drowning in.  This is a trauma response, and there's different types of trauma, and different severities.  Some people can work through it, taking deep breaths, some people literally lose their mind, lash out, or blackout, or faint.  Trauma isn't rational, it can't be reasoned with, it's how the brain functions because of past experience, and you can only try to retrain your brain, but that takes time, and the right circumstances.  You can't let go of trauma, if it's still reoccurring.

I write to express myself, but I assume people reading have at least the capacity to understand what trauma is, and how it changes a person.  It's not like a scrape, or bruise you heal and forget about.  Trauma is a panic button you can't control, wired by experiences you don't want to go through again.  I have complex trauma, my therapists have told me this.  My trauma has fucking layers, and is so en-grained into my experience of life,... honestly, it's a wonder how I function at all....  How I can interact with anyone without bursting into tears, and self destructing.......  What I've been through, how is it even possible for me to ask how you're doing, and say I want to be your friend, and actually mean it?  How the fuck is it possible that I'm still fucking giving people chances?

I keep saying that I do the best that I can....  No one is perfect, one persons best isn't the same as another....  I say this, trying to explain,... this is the best I can do,... I'm fucking trying,... but people keep telling me to do better, that it's not good enough.......

How do people not get it....  I try so hard to make it clear....  I say I just want to be a good friend,... I want to be a good part of someones life,... I want to listen, and hear about their day, their thoughts, their worries, and I want to be someone who cares, and is there for them, but people insist on making everything about me, and then judging, blaming me.......  I say I don't want to be a bother, but people push me to open up, and pretend like they care, like everything is fine, and then poof, their gone,... and you know what I learned?  I was a bother, they just weren't honest about it....  Almost no one is honest, so how am I supposed to keep trusting people when they say it's ok?  They act nice, and judge me without saying it.......

...so, hi, how are you?  Hows your day been?  Anything you want to talk about?  What's on your mind?  Are you feeling ok?  Did you sleep well?

...is it ok that I care about you...?

...is it ok that I want to know how you're doing...?

...am I being too pushy?  Do you want space?

...am I saying too much?

...am I trying too hard?

...

...but you wouldn't tell me if I did something wrong,... you wouldn't help me understand,... you'd just disappear, and it would be all my fault, always me fault....   I never should have said I like you, that I care,... I shouldn't have checked on you,... I shouldn't have done anything,... I shouldn't even be here,... I'm so sorry I even tried.......  I can't do anything right,... I'm wrong no matter what I do.......

...why did I even bother to try.......