feeling aimless AND HOW IM FIXING IT!

sometimes it freaking sucks because it feels like im doing all the right things, keeping my grades up, maintaining a social life, not getting involved with drugs or parties, but it still feels like its all pointless. i feel like all my ambitions are just things im telling myself i want because i have to have some goal or passion. 

BUT I DONT WANT TO FOCUS ON THAT AND BACK MYSELF INTO A CORNER OF SADNESS AND BEING A BUM! its junior year and i cant lose sight of everything ive been working so hard to accomplish. this year kinda fricking SUCKS so far but here are things im doing to try and refocus..

1. screen time. i got really bad with it over the summer because i needed to numb my mind. the main issue for me is youtube, it keeps sucking me in and the stuff i watch on there keeps setting me back. sometimes ill get trapped watching short form or useless content for like 30 minutes to an hour just sitting there watching things mindlessly and passively. thats NOT what i want to consume. i dont want to be constantly drawn back to my phone. its getting to the point where theres time i genuinely want to use that i know i enjoy (playing games ive been meaning to, finishing tv shows, etc) on my computer and my energy/time for that is being eaten up by me watching a bunch of 2 minute videos with no substance or 45 minute to an hour long videos that i dont actually care about. so from now on, im going to focus on consuming content in an active way and stop when its something i realize i could care less about. thats going to in turn get me off my phone which is probably a big contribuer to why im so unhappy sometimes. 

2. negative content. thats the other thing with youtube. i LOVE video essays but a lot of the content ive been consuming has been "this person is a PEDO!" "this person HATES WOMEN and theyre CANCELED!" "heres a story of a building collapsing and killing ONE MILLION PEOPLE!" "these people hate each other and heres the side you should choose" and HOW am i meant to focus on being positive when thats the shit im listening to every day. NO MORE OF IT! from now on im going to focus on consuming positive/meaningful content, or at least just learning about things i find interesting and NOT whatever idiot is getting their 15 minutes of fame by being racist on tiktok. 

3. reading and art. i have so many books i want to finish, to reread, to start. but i havent been giving myself the time. ill think "oh i want to go finish that book" and then ill get distracted and never get to it. and then itll be time for bed and im like damn i shouldve gone and done that i would have felt so much more fulfilled and content with how i spent my day. same with drawing, i need to stop getting in my head about that and never finishing a piece. so im going to start allotting time for myself to do things i know ill enjoy so my days dont end with me feeling like a piece of crap. im excited about this too because theres literally no reason for me not to be doing things that make me happy. ive just been being lazy i guess if that makes sense at all

4. managing my dopamine spikes. its gotten to the point where ill sit in bed on my phone instead of getting up and starting my day. its CRAZY to think about how bad that is for me. ill stop studying/doing homework to watch youtube and mess up my focus. ill eat processed snacks instead of full meals. when im not feeling like im not doing my best on my schoolwork it messes with the rest of my life. SO NONE OF THAT ANY MORE! 

5. my journal. when i started my journal, it was to sort my thoughts. most of my entries have been letters to the people no longer in my life. that was very nice for me but aside from that i havent touched it much. a few entries here and there, but its so effective for me to sort out my thoughts at the end of the day i dont know why i dont do it more. writing on spacehey has actually been really fun for me because its like i can get my thoughts out and hear other peoples perspectives on it. but its not the same as something i know will never be read by anyone else, where i can really empty my head even if its something id never say out loud to my friends or something. so along with allotting time for other hobbies, im going to try and journal at least a couple times a week. i hope to have the whole thing filled out by the end of the school year, or at least be like 3/4 of the way through

6. exercise. i get antsy when i havent run in a while and because ive been sick and missing practice ive been tired and pent up. if i cant go out and run, im going to start training at home again. i miss being muscular bro when i could flex and you could see my biceps. i felt so cool. maybe ill learn to do more consecutive pushups or do a pull up this year. that would be SICK. on top of that itll help me when i do get back into running, and when i exercise i end up getting better sleep and eating more which i have trouble with otherwise. 

7. be nicer to myself. i say this all like im completely decided and ready to go but im going to have bad days and its going to be hard to switch my lifestyle and it might not happen for a while. but im going to try and im going to hold myself accountable. but im also not going to beat myself up about it and spiral. i have a lot more time left in school, in my future career, whatever i have left to do in life

all i know is i want to be the best version of myself, i dont want to feel aimless anymore and i dont want to feel useless. once i start working on the root of my issues i think the mindset change and passions and ambitions will follow. and if they don't, at least i know ive done my best. 

thats all for right now.. lord nikon OUT!!