i keep saying this but i rlly don't wanna live like this

I just really hate the way i live and i have to do something about it sooner or later

like now that i'm done and over with that whole manic episode ((<-- i am definitely not but i do not want to live this way forever constantly repeating the same cycle)) i have become stunned

it's just one of those things where the more you suppress it the worse it gets, and at that point once you try to indulge it a little then all hell breaks loose

so yeah maybe i did throw a whole closet door out my window, but it is not irreparable. i am not irreparable. 

it does feel like that, though. that there is no point in trying to fix myself, but that is plain bullshit.

i can do this, i can do this, i just need some time and effort. there are always relapses in recovery, and i want to learn how to deal with it.

i don't understand why i still get mad at things around me that are seemingly innocent on their own.

i don't understand why i understand that and still feel angry.

i don't understand why i can't just be patient. why i can't just be good

i was never good, and probably never will be, and i have to come to terms with that

i want to learn how to deal with it accordingly, bad and ugly feelings and all.

i get emotional, and i scream, but i never do anything to hurt anyone else

i go out of my way to leave myself alone and to suffer alone

and to hurt myself alone

alone

it's one step, i guess.

i have become more understanding and compassionate when it comes to even accidentally hurting other people, but when it comes to myself, and me,

i just keep on yelling and yelling and i hate that.

it's so weird, being a human and feeling things. i've said it a million times about now.

but i am a human, and i can't do shit about it.

i just have to make do with what i have.

i don't understand why i get these times where everything in the world seems to annoy me and make me angry.

because i certainly don't hate the world.

i don't hate people, i don't hate sounds and i don't hate friendliness.

i had to sit and ask myself that. practically all i've been doing lately is distracting myself with movies and sitting and staring at nothing, basically.

my brain is way too much to deal with, i feel like i could just sit silently and revel in my thoughts for quite a while. and i did that, exactly.

"Do I really hate everything?"

"Do I really want to stop living?"

"Am I really doing this for attention?"

I don't hate everything. The opposite, I like a lot of things. I like laughing and going out and I like being busy and being alone and doing nothing and multitasking, i love cooking i love keeping useless knick knacks i love cleaning up and i love living 

I was just annoyed at everything because it all felt like a task. it feels like that a lot.

it feels like nothing i did really mattered, everything i was doing and trying to do was just falling apart, like everything was impossible and i had started to stop seeing the love i had in the world

i was just doing what i had to do, not because i liked keeping myself clean, or because i enjoyed doing and drying the laundry, but all of those things had become chores instead of little pleasantries and privliges of life.

and after doing chore after chore after chore everyday, i felt like i was dragging myself on from one day to another just to survive.

i kept thinking, 

"i want this to be over."

and it's a really hurtful mindset to be in, especially when everything feels so bleak, it feels like the whole world is against you and everything becomes your enemy when really,, it's yourself that is.

I can yell "i hate you,," as many times as i want,, but those words are more for me than they are for anyone else.

I feel like i'm a very lonely person.

being isolated a lot isn't very good for you, especially if you're someone who naturally enjoys being aorund other people and talking a lot.

I write these blogs, partly, for that reason, i have no one to talk to.

and i see other people, people i lknow, and they all get invited and included, but i never do, and it hurts a lot

i know it's only ever that way because no one really notices me,, i never put myself out there,, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

It just hurts to see everyone you know having fun without you, and you only ever get invited out of pity. 

it's hard to feel like my presence is enjoyed and that it's nice to be around me

that's mostly my brain, talking, and a lot of the time it isn't true.

i feel like i downplay, to myself, how much help i actually need, from myself and other people.

i keep shrugging it off, because outwardly, i'm not suffering as much as other people are and they're functioning just fine

so i keep shrugging it off'\

and before i know it,, i find myself in a situation i don't actually want to be in.

i don't hate anyone, i don't hate the world and i don't hate being alive

i just want to take a shower, 

that's exactly what i'm gonna do, i think.

people mess up, i mess up a lot.

at least i didn't get sedated this time.

i did not kill myself i will not kill myself

i want to keep living

i will pave the way to build a life that i enjoy living

i will clean up the messes i've made and  i will keep going

i am strong and i am worthy

i will also probably need to be more honest to my doctors about the way i've been feeling and discuss on how to deal with it in a safe and healthy manner

it's not irreparable, you are not irreparable, fate is more forgiving as it is vengeful, more than you can ever imagine

It feels really hopeless sometimes but in the end, i really just am tired of being tired, constantly.

i will get through this, not perfectly, but i will get through this.