strength, resilience, and fast food

Anton LaVey put it sardonically: "The Atheist complains about the wind. The Christian prays for it to change. The Satanist adjusts his sails."

i was co-facilitating a counseling group recently and used a modified version of this quote to fit the crowd. nary a person to out myself as a Satanist to my clients, i replaced each with, "the pessimist," "the optimist," and "the realist," respectively. to expand upon this metaphor, i continued: "resilience is not about standing in the storm to see how much rain and wind i'm willing to take. it's about understanding that i need to prepare with an umbrella, with a raincoat, with a hat, to get from point A to point B." far from me to purport any sort of "might is right" attitude, i went on to suggest that strength in this case is about managing expectations and working through the emotions that come from discomfort and challenges.

when working with clients at an inpatient level, we often ask them what their numbers for cravings and resilience are, on a scale of 10. some clients will confidently proclaim to have a 0 with cravings and a 10 for resilience no matter what sort of mood they've been in. i'm over 5 years sober and i still don't believe i have 0's and 10's. perhaps this will change in the future, but what it tells me is that i'm being realistic about my progress.

when i'm met with triggers and activating factors, i have a few choices. i can run toward them, run away from them, walk through or around them. the smell of cannabis being smoked on the street is a powerful reminder of the love affair i upheld for a decade. there's something warm and inviting about the funky scent, even though i'm not going to partake. i won't ask the stranger for a hit, even though my cravings move to a 3 or 4, because my resilience is high. but i'm not impervious to the swinging of moods, so i'd judge that i'm at an 8 or 9 as i walk by. catch me on the wrong day and the numbers will be higher and lower respectively.

i've said this before, but i was in a bad way several months back. thoughts of drinking and suicide plagued my mind. my cravings were high and my resilience was low. but i had the strength to understand that making a call was going to get me out of the scrape before i landed myself into a real rut. i'm not invulnerable and i'll never pretend to be.

as i'm moving forward with my life, new avenues are opening up. i have a lot of potential that is so far untapped. it will be a few more semesters before i finish school. i've decided to work on not one, but two certifications. first i'll solidify my place in the addiction counseling field; i'll follow up with a peer support supplementary education; then i'm moving to online courses in life coaching.

big things are coming. but what that means is i've got to build more resilience and stop doing so much online shopping and food delivery. i'm not going to calculate how much money i've spent on Uber because it would sadden me immensely to feel like i could have done things so much differently. but i'm making myself a promise today that my future is more important than the instant gratification of a burger on wheels.

i've been seafaring through a swell of my own creation and it's time to adjust the sails.