moving on

i had a very emotional conversation with my ex-girlfriend

she explained how felt

i explained how i felt

i described my headspace in the last couple of months, during and after our relationship ended

i wasn't a very good person, friend, or boyfriend

with no care for anyone, anything, myself, or life

i have no goals, no wishes, i just breathe and try to stand each passing day

i don't want to move out, i don't want to get married, i don't want to have kids

not now, at least

in the future? i'd love to, just not now

i don't have the guts to answer her messages

but she has her own goals, her own wishes

she knows what she wants right now

and that difference between us is enough

she says she can't keep waiting for me

she said she's moving on

all we are now is two friends with two cats

i don't have the guts to answer her call

i hope she has a happy life

truly

i hope she finds someone that can treat her better than i ever could

someone that fits right with what she wishes, fits right with her goals

i don't have the guts to see her in person

i wish that person were me

i've been thinking about leaving her alone

i'm trying to become a better person

but i need time

i wouldn't want to fuck up again like i did all the time

it would be a less stressful life for her

sadly i won't have any opportunity with her anymore

but that's alright

i'll have to learn to live on my own again

i've been thinking about

i know you're not reading this

you don't know about this place's existence

i want you to know regardless

killing myself afterward

i love you

i miss you

i hope you have a happy life

not sure though

a life happier

than mine