Playing a game of rainbow

You think if I killed myself you'd care more ?  Your so distant as well the little things and stopped caring anymore about me. why your distant tho I have yet to know why , you refuse to tell me anything or let alone have a simple Convo anymore about your day or if your ok anything at all you refuse to start a Convo or try to have one . And it's not cause your busy I catch you daily scrolling liking other women's posts half naked or following more and more women that fit that category. You refuse to talk about that as well saying it "just friends " "I've known them since I was a kid " "it's someone from school I've known " anyone from a 10 mile radius can tell your lying . The sad thing is my mom who once upon  a time didn't accept you adores you now , she always talks about how proud she is your in the army and can actually provide or help me with stuff when I'm at my lowest along w balancing with your life she says "he's a good man and I'm proud of my daughter for even finding him " I almost wish I didn't tell her about you now she thinks your a shooting star when your not anymore. I start to question is it because I'm not attractive anymore? You used to be me for selfies or just to see me or my body but now it's so weird and I'll admit we've had our ups and downs being an open relationship, closed , on breaks but you'd think that make us more closer.

I still think about that daily and what could of actually done different, it's honestly the only reason why I get high anymore or drink so it makes me forget about it all for a little even though when the next day comes and I have work it'll replay in my head and doesn't go away till I get high or drunk.