Entry #96

why cant anyone just listen to me? i want a clean house, soooo effing bad. but no one even tries. no matter how much i fucking beg. cant ask my dad because hes literally always at work, and the only time he can relax is at home so im not gonna ask him to clean, especially since hes been having a lot of problems physically. cant ask my brother because i dont really have a bond with him and he literally never leaves his room so like, when would i even ask? and that would be so awkward. all thats left is my mom, and guess what, she just fucking gets mad and bitches about it. you know what happened? i cleaned almost the entire kitchen last night, by myself, breathed in so many fucking chemicals that ive had a headache all day, my back and neck are in pain, and guess what? i come downstairs this morning, trashed. im going to fucking shoot myself. i got paid 30 dollars for it though, so thats honestly fucking rewarding. i mean its not completely trashed, but its definitely not how i left it!!!! lol. wish we werent lazy, lol. wish my mom wouldnt get mad every time i ask her to clean, lol. not in a sexist way genuinely, but her role in our house is literally a stay at home mom, yet she doesnt even fucking do anything. i love my mom, but im fucking tired. she doesnt teach me anything while supposed to be homeschooling me, i have to ask her to feed me unless its dinner time, she talks to her online boyfriend and play games with him all day, and then goes to fucking bed. i feel bad saying this stuff about her because shes genuinely not a bad person, im just so fucking tired of living like this. my best friend of 6 years comes over regularly, and cant even walk around my house with shoes off or else he will get his feet dirty. like bro. why? why me? why did i have to be put in a house where the cleanest thing in this hellhole is my room? and even then i cant fully clean it, you know why? because we dont have a fucking vacuum. i wish dcfs took me away again so that my family would try to clean the house again to get me back. that was the cleanest my house had ever been. and then also when i cleaned the kitchen, my mom was blaming me saying im just trying to make her look bad in front of my dad because im the one cleaning instead of her. no, im just genuinely so fucking suicidal and cant stand living like this anymore. like are we serious? yes, i love living in a house built in the 1920's, without a working dishwasher, barely any heat, no shower head, holes in the wall, ceiling caving in, and just overall a fucking mess with people i just live with, i feel like i barely even see them enough to consider them family anymore. im just living with strangers who happen to be related to me. i cant wait to fucking die.