Thu 04.09.25

I got to English just on time. Teacher made us do an essay, said not much else. We could leave once the essay was turned in. I respected it, and I expect good things from this class. The essay was our response to an article arguing that homework is good. I wrote two pages, maybe, I don't like to yap much. Left 40 minutes early. I was the first one out.

It's a good way to get to know us, our path of thought, our handwriting. I then met a William who was apparently in the back of my class, he asked me where the cafeteria is. I pointed him to the food court.

Then I went to the library to try to change dance class. Then the gym. They told me I can't wear boots or jeans. I told bob about it.

Dance class was surprisingly fine. The teacher made us do a mindfulness type of thing, telling us to stretch weird and stuff. But we were all laying on the floor, no one looking at anybody, and eventually I got into it. I'm starting to uncover the bodily feelings I've been suppressing. I can move, I am safe to move. I don't feel more vulnerable, I feel more efficient and smooth. I feel like an animal, I feel like a body, and that feels good. I felt alive for the first time in a while.

After dance, I ran to the trolley and met up with bob on some far corner of campus, in the psych graduate building, and we ate the food we brought each other. We were tired of what our own family provided, so we just traded it. I gave him a cake thing from france, he gave me fruit snacks. He also got me fried chicken, and I gave him a modified tajik meat cheesesteak type thing with the jalapenos I got from grocery shopping.

It was around here when my body started being tense. It was angry. It was furious. My hands balled up into fists randomly. I dug my nails into hangnails and I shook like a dog and I even ticked again a couple times. It's not out of the ordinary, but it hasn't happened in a good month or two. Especially not at this frequency. I felt like biting someone.

Then we went back to main campus to meet my new friend. I'll call him Sylus - a character he seems very interested in. He has many pins on his bag of the man, and his lockscreen is sylus with his tits out. It's unexpected, but, I'm not one to judge. That's also their username. 

I gave bro the random French stuff my mom got me (he's trying to learn french and really likes french things it seems). Then we stood and talked for a bit. Then me and bob went to the library, I reported to highschool people that I want to stay in dance, and we went upstairs. I read my environmental textbook and we discussed meat consumption. There was a big welcoming event outside, too. Free ice cream. We didn't go.

My hands burn. The oil splashes from chicken 3 nights ago were new I suppose. It's uncomfortable, but it's not bad.

I want to pounce on someone. I wanna fight somebody. I wanna bite. Not too sure why, but anger flows through my body like it always has before. But I'm aware of it again, and it's stronger. I don't know what to do with this energy. Bob's friend is in my dance class, they have a cool belt. And cool pants. I'm afraid of them now, a little, I was hoping that nobody in that class would be interacted with at all anymore. 

Now I'm in the science building, looking out the third story window, watching the ground below. No one is really in here, except for the occasional passing student. It has loads of indirect sunlight, and it's inside walls are cement and brick. There are plants around here, and a bathroom right next to us too. I'm doing my homework for intro to earth and geoscience, or something like that. My ipad is about to die and my back hurts a little. I'll have to charge at the library, I don't see any outlets here. Not a bad day, overall, though I have been facing many hard truths and challenges.

17:18

Despite the calm, even happy life I live now, I am overwhelmed with negative emotion. I'm so sick of myself that I'm physically nauseous. I hate that I preform for others. I hate that I smile when I don't want to, when I laugh from discomfort, when I laugh to mirror, when I laugh to ease, when I laugh most of the time - it's so awkward and not genuine. What I hate most is my mirroring of bob.

His professor made him join a new club. I started looking at the list. He asked me what I'm gonna join.

My first thoughts? Forensics and Psychology. I didn't go for my major's clubs - I went for his. His major! He is majoring in forensic psychology and all of the sudden, it becomes so, so appealing. I took his music preferences. I took his social preferences. I took his familial preferences, too, and now I am trying to become interested in his major, just because of him?

Listen, I have nothing against either subject, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm my own man, I have my own spine, I have my own bones and joints and teeth, and I have my own interests. I want to graduate in environmental science, or maybe forestry, and I like drawing, and I don't like linkin park, and I dress the way I do, and I am gay and happy as can be, and I like the moomins, and I like beef, and I 

Man I am so lost, so upset. I feel numbed out, watered down, I'm not present anymore. I'm jumping from step to step of the cat tree that shouldn't even be there in the first place, too busy with performing each step, jump, and landing correctly to even bother with what's going on with myself. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom, afraid to buy something to eat, and I'm afraid to just be. What I need to be is something acceptable to him, something he can approve of, something he can maybe even love. Because I love him. I cling to him like my life depends on it, and hell, maybe it does, but this is not my life. This is not what I live like. This isn't what I'm gonna do.

I can't even blame it on him. I'm not present, ever. I haven't been since the sixth grade. I died, mentally, and I don't know if I'll ever recover it at all.

This is why I leave people. I get old, dusty, I become something new entirely and they get used to it. And then they treat me like it, continuing the cycle, until I drop them and meet someone new, and at first I don't care about them, and I'm confident and stable and myself with power and force in my step, and then I do it all over again for eternity. It's been working, and I don't miss them, and I'm afraid of wanting to stay at all. It's rigid and unexciting, it stunts growth and exploration, stillness is but a blight in my life, or so I have believed the entire time.

I'm not staying for bob, I'm not going to pull that bullshit again. I don't think I can stay for anyone. I never, never ever do. I don't know if I want to. I never got to truly try. The thought makes me mad, it feels like containment, containment by my authorities and peers and society overall, and I don't want to be contained. I never want to be contained. I never want to submit or obey or have to stay for anyone at all. It makes me furious.

But, beneath it all, if I get over my disgust and anger and fear and hatred and ego, secretly, do I want to stay a little longer?

With Bob, i might not mind at all, but he is pretty new I suppose.

17:43