new campus for school and realising this place sucks too - diary blog for the past term

hey yall

so i thought maybe i should have an annual blog for each month from now on, talking about how i feel and stuff. just so it doesnt feel like im only using spacehey for bulletins. 

but for this blog, ill summerise most of whats happened this term. ill make a blog later about this month

anyway, these school holidays were fun! i spent most of it on calls with my friends playing pressure on roblox and finishing half life 2! during the holidays i was able to become a disgusting sweat at the game and i beat it like 5 times lol. golly, i have a huge crush on sebastian..... like i think if you scroll through all my blogs you'll probably find a blog of me geeking out over how cute he is when the game first came out. nothings changed, i suppose. anyway, now that ill finished half life 2 ive offically finished every main source game (like the ones every one knows i guess). which ticks off my games of the year list. i should probably say which games are on my games of the year list, but im basically up to the last one now which is postal 2. but before that it was ultrakill, which i also started playing! its REALLY fun! even though im bad at it.... i adore it! im not gonna 100% it, and ive p-ranked prelude and act 1 and have technically played the whole game so im pretty happy with that rn. im currently playing cry of fear while i wait for postal 2 to go on sale.

OKAY BUT ACTUAL REAL LIFE STUFF. so obviously during to holidays it was the middle of the year right. but i was honestly confused. every year my mother has had some sort of shouting guilt trippy episode with me, but this year it just... hasnt happened yet. i should be happy, youre probably thinking. well im not. i dont think shes changing for the better. a part of me thinks she just hasnt gotten mad at me becuase i try to stay out of her sight most of the time. Im not defending myself, im not bringing up anything that im not supposed to. i was stuck in the house every day last year, not im not. and when i am inside im usually in my room. not cuz of my parents but cuz of the workers my brothers have to have. they clog up the house and it feels weird. you wake up and see a bunch of strangers you dont know just there. Its weird, i dont like it. 

My ex-crush

So with my current school i went in with the idea i was probably gonna meet other nerdy people like me. i could finally have a "home", something i so desperately wanted. that never came. sure the people in my class are nice, they dont bother me.... most of the time. i mean i think one of the things that made me realise i needed to give up was my EX-crush. He was called T on here, but ill change his nickname to Terry. So this guy was at some point someone i had a huge crush on. which is HUGE news since this is officially the first time i had a crush on someone irl and my age. He was cute, funny, confident and smart. I thought even if he didnt like me we still had similar enough interests and humor to be friends... right? WRONG. in the first few terms i honestly had a  really fuckin bad feeling about terry. seemingly for no reason. i was confused to why i kept repeating that quote of barney calhoun from half life 1 saying "i have a baaaadddd feeling about this."

but the badness of him got confirmed when his jokes about me being a femboy and gay and stuff got really out of hand. first of all, im not a femboy. i said that to 100% be funny. I WANT to dress more femme when i go on t/get top surgery, but i honestly dont see myself as a femboy. i just want to be seen as a beautiful boy with long wavy hair and a face of an angel. becuase i am an angel, lol. sorry rant back on topic, it got really fucking odd though becuase he would go from saying i was a "cute little femboy" or something like that. to randomly telling me in class that he would "fuck me like a pig" which.... ew. im sorry. and it got even WORSE. he told me i was so submissive, that i should learn to suck dick better, that im a freaakkkk just all these weird ass jokes. and it was so confusing, cuz i didnt like this but i also really had a huge crush on him and if he saw me in any romantic fashion that wouldve been awesome. Just.... i just wanna mention like why i really dont like the way that talk is. okay, TMI maybe???? i personally think sex is a sacred act and shows how devoted you want to be to someone, how much you love someone. i dont like dirty degrading talk, i want to be smothered in love. so this felt fucking weird. Im an angel, im not dirty. 

the breaking point though was when he talked to me one day about how hes "wasted his entire life" and that "dont be surpised if i went crazy and shaved my head and then killed myself". an immediate fear flooded my body as barneys quote just rang through my brain. I have a bad feeling about this. Because now i KNOW hes fake. all this stuff i loved about him, the jokes, the confidence... it was all for show. i needed to run. And the freakiest part? HE SHAVED HIS HEAD THE NEXT WEEK. fuck RIGHT off terri. Now with this term? ive been trying to avoid him, but hes absolutely fucking infuriating me now. i LOATHE him. he tries to act so smart, so funny so.... mature and professional. becuase HeS GoInG InTo BuSiNeSs WhIcH MeAnS hEs GoTta ThRoW EvEry """"''DISTRACTION""""" out of the way. which means all friendships, all media just fuckin EVERYTHING. hes going to throw someone in a ditch one day i swear on it.  fucking wanker. I have sebastian solace, I DONT NEED YOU!!!!

The new campus + plans for future

I was excited for my first day, tbh. i knew this campus had more kids and maybe i could finally make a friend? well nope. there were a few new kids in my class. they were okay, none of them i really vibed with majorly. whatever ig. i have my friends outside of school. the three teachers we have are okay kinda. my english teacher is such a kind older woman, and my sociology teacher is one of those cool older ladies who swears a lot. the only teacher i dont like is my maths. shes... something. first of all since australia sucks they added this "No phones in school" ban, but since we arent technically an actual school my two other teachers let us kinda have them just all long as we arent on it 24/7 and do work. my maths teacher sometimes does the same thing, but other times she decides to completely flip out on people who use their phones for a little bit. today a kid was listening to music through his phone and just took it out to change it. keep in mind MULTIPLE other kids had their phones right smack on the table. the teacher flipped out and when he tried to explain himself she told him to stop talking back and to leave. and theres also this really nice horse girl who ended up crying over how rude the teacher was to her one time. i even saw the teacher rip up some sort of paper that he had in front of her. i had my own little run in with her today BUT ILL MENTION THAT IN A MINUTE. 

I accepted a while ago that this was just a school that was easier than others and was going to get me through the end. im not going to meet anyone like me so... it doesnt matter. one of the other things ive officially 100% given up on this year is maths. I already was giving up on it, but after figuring out that i want to be an audio engineer for uni i decided that

1. i will NEVER need to use maths in my future endeavors 

2. I will never get good or understand maths, and thats okay. my brain blocks unimportant things out for a reason. 

The thing is i put a decent amount of effort into all of my other classes, so its not like im totally giving up on everything. still though, this year is just a gap year for all of us. im not doing vce yet so i dont really need to study like a mad man until next year.  

anyway... today SUCKEd ASS!!! i had my maths teacher for most of the day, and this stupid side teacher who sat next to me the entire time. she gives me bad vibes. we were writing down some maths stuff and i tried to do it but i started to give up after a while. at the end of the session both of the teachers were mad i wasnt correcting my work. i just ticked everything as wrong and gave myself a 3/10. then the next class we had to do this year 12 year book thing which lead to a 20 minute long debate about the fucking colour of the year book. i remember i put my laptop on charge and the side teacher sitting next to me made a weird comment about me using it too much and it having no battery. i was disgustingly lonely the whole day. i hadnt had anything to eat and i just wanted to go home. i hated being here and this place was so fucking desolate today. so i plopped my headphones on and ignored their arguing the whole time. the teacher sat next to me later saying i wasnt participating and was clearly playing games on my computer. (im just sitting there listening to creepcast or oneyplays while i look on neocities or something). i needed to "participate" and that i wasnt gonna get anywhere in vce if i did this. she said if this was a distraction then i needed to put it away. like bro, put your thinking cap on HALF THE CLASS WAS ARGUING FOR LIKE 25 MINUTES. am i SUPPOSED to participate then??? I wouldve just shrugged and ignored it but then i looked over to the other students. they were all playing monopoly on the floor and i was just sitting there at my desk. they had their phones out and the most heart breaking part was... they were happy. so god damn happy. i was alone. after all this time im still alone. so i put my stuff away, tempted to go hide in a bathroom until the days over. i just ended up collapsing on a chair in the corner listening to sad music. then i left with my bag as soon as the teacher looked away. as soon as i left i almost forgot what happened. i only remember how lonely it was now.

this school feels lonely. i watch everyone be friends and all the year 12s happy they get to move on with their lives. i feel disconnected from the entire school, my classroom and classmates and all that. i pray to wind outside the buildings that they shall lead me to a comforting future, but i need to get out of here myself first. if i dont leave now i never will. ill do my audio stuff and then ill recconnect with my aunt and uncle and finally transition. then ill run away from all of this. from my family, the horrible home and all of the discomfort they have towards me.  

I'll be okay, though.