waiter! waiter! bullet in my head please

i am choosing myself over everyone. and if i lose everyone in the process, then that's okay. I am what matter the most. those who cannot comprehend cannot understand me, never could. 

i replay conversations that'll never happen in my head

over and over i think about what i'd say to you knowing that'll never happen. i wish i could tell you how much i hate you. how much i want you gone. how much i want you to go fuck yourself. but someday I'll get to do it on stage. i wonder if you'll ever see, cause i know you'll remain as silent as you are now. i guess its really over, cause i hate you. i begged for your friendship and even then you took it away, and I'm not interested in begging any more. I've humilliated myself enough, and I'm tired. if you don't have the courage to seek me out and fix things, then they'll never be fixed. is that what you want? are you happy now? are you happy now that you're ruining everything? i spent years building a place where i could feel safe and you just wrecked it as if nothing. i really have nowhere i belong anymore and it's all cause you couldn't even be a good friend to begin with. apparently you can be a good friend, just not to me. that honestly stings a little, but at the same time, i just want to say: fuck you. sincerely and deeply. 

not everyone has been a backstabbing bitch. but you know who you are. god knows I've tried. and god knows I've been hurt. again and again and again. my pain means nothing to you. to any of you. your pain is more real, somehow? yeah, cause i don't matter at all. i know. that's exactly why I'll isolate myself. if it doesn't matter to them, then whatever. my pain is mine and mine only and I'll feel it for myself when im by myself. none of you deserve to know my pain. 

i feel just like spongebob when he didn't get the manager job. i should probably get drunk. but i promised i wouldn't drink alone anymore. im alrady waiting for the edible to hit anyways. sigh. how pathetic. 

ive been thinking a lot about it lately. if i were gone, no one would really miss me anymore. and all of you would probably think i deserve it, no? like loving her was ever my choice. like i didn't suffer the most. love isn't a crime. much less when it's unwanted.