Entry #95

it feels like nothing is going right. im so angry all the time again, and its getting tiring. i wish i was just normal. havent been playing overwatch often recently and im kind of sad since i really want to but just dont have to motivation to play, especially alone. been getting overwhelmed with my religious practice as well. i feel like ive forced myself to try and worship more deities than i need, and i dont want to take their altars down since 1. no place to put the stuff, and 2. i really do enjoy worshipping them. a big issue i have is trying to devote myself to 1 of them, wanting to be the best i can be for him but then i have the others to worry about and im like ahfhghhh... i dont know. im honestly worrying about nothing, im going to continue worshipping multiple deities of course, im just kind of overwhelmed with the lack of space. i also feel like my altar for apollon is not as grand as it could be, and its making me sooo mad bro. like, i know its perfectly fine, i just wish it was like perfect. maybe i need to get into working with momus again. maybe ares too so i can fix my emotions. see, i need multiple gods. i dont know why im so worried. i just need to stop arguing with myself over such little things. mom's been getting drunk again, whatever. i mean it was a holiday so whatever, but like, bruh. im tired of her being drunk, it makes my life even worse. walked into the bathroom and saw her vomit in the toilet and i was just like fuck my life bro. its not even that deep but like, i just wish my mom would listen to me and stop drinking completely. id want her to stop smoking too, but i doubt thatll ever happen. people also just keep bitching at me about shit and i just wanna fucking shoot them so fucking bad. i mean not literally but i just want everyone to leave me alone. also saw my mom cooking with my dad today while we were having a cookout at my grandmas. i almost cried honestly, watching my mom work with my dad. i wish my parents loved each other. oh well. guess the way i grew up really did effect me.