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it is like i feel that i am falling in a cliche and it is really embarrassing to see how i have taken such a heavy fall here. until others made me notice, i didn't realize that yet again i spent this summer deep into the immobility of my complex feelings and lack of everything
for things that i couldn't control and most of them of which i could
it's embarassing to see everything falling down, it feels embarrassing to be optimistic and to later crush the reality to something like this. i've been sleeping. i love sleeping i love being unconscious. it makes it easier to bear the days where my youth is wasting away as a fact that i already have accepted. i am losing the concepts of my thoughts that i just had about now its disappointing
i've done nothing
i do not feel any resolution of watching others anymore; pointless
I guess that i have fallen into that type of cliche, the one where you lose every light and hope and prospect for the future
I have surprisingly slept all the summer away
it doesn't matter if i am outside or inside or trying to make a change or socialize because there's never a big impact and the negative impact is always 100 times worse but it's only fair because i can't seem to stop victimizing myself for making everything harder
everything harder it is
it becomes harder to do and to have motivation which i've lost all of it maybe that's why i can not move out of bed and everything about me has gone down. there's no motivation and i don't have any impeding feelings to live
i couldn't even met the pathetic fulfillment goal of just living
at least it's more bearable when i accepted im depressed that i just stopped doing anything to live. I don't remember the last time i've helped myself
i am pretty sure my hair is matting
in the same clothes for 5 days
same for a shower
it sounds really shameful to admit but even going to the bathroom now feels like a huge chore. i've accepted it! i need to be shameful. it's a part of being human, which i need to detach from
i have begun cutting, at around 45kg , dizzy, i might have fainted, developing more hallucination and hormones are not helping
i was supposed to stick it somewhere around here in mylingering thoughts from the bullet points of how i really wanted to mention the sickening and depressing loop which i've fallen in or has it been here forever i can not stop
i have forgotten to mention that besides the disappointing effort on reality which i have given, also half of my will has not only been drained out by realizing i have felt like this since im 11 but since i've finally told my parents about my rapist and it has destroyed me
everything is calm though
but i never know how to take it
i've fallen off so intensely its shameful or maybe realized that the reality is this after all and i do not see myself anywhere here in the next 5 years hopefully or maybe more but i have accepted it already and as rotting i will remain waiting for the time where it'll happen, at least i gave the warning, it's a guaranteed to happen sometime, like all things in life, just like how a human is guaranteed to cry, just like how a is guaranteed to crush
at least it makes me feel a little of stupid shameful pride to finally explode the emotions in public, as worrying as that is
sorry summer, for making the exact same thing as every other year
happy birthday hatsune miku. september is my favorite month
see softness?
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francis, fran
haru haru
(hello haru)
it has been way too long. i'm sorry.
it doesn't seem fair that i get to go to school and complain about minor inconveniences while you're entrenched in depression
you told your parents about him... and i guessing that didn't make anything better
i don't know what to say. magi probably said it all lol
i'm sorry. i hope things are any better now.
thanks, you made me cry too
like being tended to when you're really heavily damaged
and i guess there's struggles for everyone but beyond having anything special to say that presence and the necessity of those words are the most important thing too
the thought of saying them is really special
thanks for sticking around
by ale; ; Report
magilon
it’s hard reading something that sounds so similar to what i’ve felt, but i didn’t write it, but it’s also almost ironic in a way…? from reading to remembering, i remember feeling low only to feel lower with each passing day, and then i got so low i forgot what it was like to just be “okay.” then, i got lower. i forgot what it felt like to just be sad as i felt nothing. then, i forgot entirely. each day became an empty shell of what should have been another day. after giving up, i went a step beyond and went beyond again. i fell further and further never seeing the hope everyone tried to convince me i would see if i stood up. i got so, so tired of falling. i got so, so tired of thinking i was better only to fall again and again and again. i gave up so severely that i stopped trying altogether and there was nothing that anyone could try and tell me that would help me. it’s hard because i wish that there was. it’s hard because i feel nothing i say will truly be helpful as nothing was ever helpful for me. i later accepted that i would live while dead. i later desired a life like that. i accepted and craved living something nearly resembling death, and ironically, the very next day, i felt a little better. it’s not that i’m not depressed, but being in a deep state of “idgaf” has been so healing. maybe “healing” is not the right word. i’m not sure healing is a real thing, but i feel it might’ve helped. i don’t shower every day. i don’t care to. i still crave the pain, but i can’t be bothered (i also bought one of those pain stimming toys). my teeth are yellow, but it’s fine by me. i manage to brush them at least a little every day now, which is huge. i shower multiple times a week now. that’s huge too. i breakdown, but i forget why and then i’m fine. it’s as if everything that hurt me in the past has grown to help me. that’s what i believe to be the irony. i often fall under 45kg, but i eat every day. i once felt so much animosity towards my brain and the way it constantly tried to hurt me. i still do, but i can’t help but acknowledge the very things “wrong with me” unlock something new..? i probably don’t appear okay, but i simply too tired to care. maybe in not painting a pretty picture of “it gets better” is helpful. i don’t know if anyone ever told me that. I can’t remember. i wonder if it means anything? i can only sit here and read and it’s devasting because i really hate the way depression eats away at the soul. i know it’s not about me, but…it still hurts. i hope this doesn’t consume you until there’s nothing left. i hope something comes along that makes you curious to see what happens next.
sorry. that was long ash *sob*
by magilon; ; Report
and i feel like the bigger irony here is that, it's replicated again, like a mirror image, it felt like it was a capsule stuck in time because you felt like me and you what you have written to me is something that i feel now which is in parallel to what you feel, something that you wrote out of the care of your heart to comfort someone discomforted in the most special of ways. It's really poetic, I feel like.
You know that it's true, true to be under every thing that should be considered healthier, to be so frail and lower but honestly do not care anymore, you just go how low how low and then it's just something you settle with. I think there's a huge struggle with romanticizing pain and being mentally unstable because it's the only option one haves left so the only thing the brain does is romanticize it way more so it makes us feel comfortable to go with our situation and we don't want to get better because we already accepted being ill and dead inside because it's like something that you finally have learned to accept. Then I guess that's the dangerous side to not want to leave. It changes, i think it changes, its really complex, it's like a sticky, gooey part of the mind, nowhere to read about it
yeah, i think you're right
thanks, really, it has comforted me so much. Your words i know that are written with so much thought. Even if it was one month ago, it's like you said. In the time i was off just by not caring and letting life take me by the wind i've been able to settle, at this level, even if i want to die, (and maybe u too) there's the juxtaposition that we're still breathing. And it's still like that. I have nowhere to look or where i'll be but now there's this level and who knows anything about it, it's literally dgaf because at least it makes processing things well maybe easier (im more exaggerated with processing) but it's a thought that soothes you when you're beyond that point of being helped
the anguish of not helping, not being able to help because anything you shout is like words boiling. In turn i have changed to the mindset u said here, one month ago. It's still horrible, i still have destructive destruction, but there is this. Do you remember yourself of one month ago?
it's perfect and poetic now, even now for the first month of the life of this blog maybe there was nothing, but there's something now. I can't explain anymore as i don't know how i feel but i hope that you read this even if it's one month.
maybe it's dissappointing i didn't stick to the point, but even if it's like this breezing through really is the best hack
by ale; ; Report
i wanted to word it all but i forgot what you said is definitely what i felt and you even described things that i was only able to think subconsciously and how my brain inflicts things and how fearful it gets and how to look what to do how to sustain yourself it's all the same that's why i feel like it's beautiful and poetic because its comfort between discomforted who have shared a similar experience with i feel like intertwining experiences on these feelings and emotions
like one part helped complete another... but maybe that's just me getting too much into it and dragging you out and about about those words, sorry if it's uncomfortable, im feeling human shame and embarrassment again but thank you so much for tending to my distraught sadness and chaotic anguish
by ale; ; Report
that’s a good point about romanticizing personal illness. i don’t feel like there’s any other option. unhealthy acceptance feels like the only way to cope with it all. i have no desire to genuinely get better because i fear i can’t. i’d hate to get my hopes up only to get disappointed. it feels like i can’t handle another letdown.
i’m glad my words brought you comfort! i also appreciate your kind words about my writing. it’s true that i feel the most stable right now, even without wanting to live. i guess for me, feeling unstable for so long, this is the best i’ve felt in years, so i cling onto it tightly.
i may understand what you mean about “nothing.” i truly felt nothing back then. i still don’t, but i’m moving while feeling nothing and that’s something to me. it’s something important, or at least that’s what i’ll say. just moving along gets rough, and i wonder if it’s the result from years of being in a sort of heightened state. i may have finally crashed. i think of dissociation illnesses. i think about how they’re often the result of immense stress. i feel some sort of way that i can’t explain questioning if my stability is actually my lowest point in instability. i mourn the connections i never got to make and may never get to chance to. nothing matters to me. i care for nothing, but at least i’m not depressed, as far as i’m concerned. i refuse to be. i just can’t.
i don’t mind your interpretation of my words. i wrote them hoping they would help, even if only a little. i have once dug deep into things regardless of if they were meant to be dug at so aggressively. at the very least, it helped me to think. it helped me feel like i understood which made me feel less hopeless. i will not judge you if you feel you need to do the same.
you’re very welcome. take care.
by magilon; ; Report
in saying something that can sound desolate and hopeless i've found something comforting and truly intense
thank you for saying this
i feel every little thing you wrote of in this, its the exact same way, with the exact same cycles and worry. I just acknowledge im depressed and go with it, but i just have to praise you for being able to explain the feelings that even i identified in myself but never got to name
it's like a mirror image (i said that already)
thank you so much
by ale; ; Report
thank you too.
by magilon; ; Report