What the hell am i doing

Maybe, I've gotten worse. I'm 17 now so of course there are expectations and new responsibilities. But even after all this time, I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know what I want to do. Even things that I take some interest in, I have to worry whether or not the pay will even keep me alive.

On top of that, I have to worry about whatever mental disorder I have. How to talk to people. How to actually function like a person. I don't know. So far, I've been fine with just going along with things. I don't interject too much since there's no point in possibly worsening things. Even if it's better in the end. I'm not that strong of a person. Really, I'm not cut of for this at all.

And yet, I can't even rely on what I'm good at. The only thing I'm good at. Art. Even that, becomes painful after a while. It's not enough for me anymore. Playing games, making music, listen to music, making art, looking at art, all of it starts to become painful after a while. It's so tiring. Really, I want to cry but I can't. I refuse to cry over every little thing. But...

I distract myself with everything for so long. I thought "well, I'm just having fun" but now it's just miserable. Why is everything just so miserable? My friend's know what they want. And they're going for it. But for 17 years... I still don't know. I just said what I was good at when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. That was the only thing I knew. What I'm worth. Now... I don't know.

I don't know if I want to pursue art as a job. I don't know. I really don't know a lot of things. People say this is normal for people my age, but that doesn't make it feel any better. Especially not with this mental disorder bullshit. I never got diagnosed but I don't know what the hell this thing is. I don't know why it continues to make my life harder than it already is. And all the other bullshit on top. 

Wow, this seriously fucking sucks. Why the hell is it always so damn cold when I'm sad. Fuck this stupid shit. I'm so damn tired.