okay, maybe i'll actually blog, just a little bit.

tmi, life, catching up, its everything

well, i'm surprised at myself in my old blog posts here. really personal in a way online that i haven't been since, mostly due to the fact that i've shifted to a basically fully-nsfw online presence, and haven't really found it to be the place to do so, especially considering it's mostly short-form websites (bluesky) or various blogs dedicated to a specific topic (tumblr), and i hate getting off topic. perhaps this website really lends to the format. almost like it's a blogging website... :O

but if you're curious about my life (likely not, i'm being selfish so that i can have a diary entry for years down the line, unless this site dies), i kept reiterating that i would stop smoking weed but the truth is i never stopped. I took breaks, sure. but i came back and came back and came back and decimated my body with weed, then shitty sketchy delta 8/9 gummies, then even sketchier d9 flower, then mixing it with alcohol, until one day i started having heart palpitations and pain in my arms. I didn't go to the hospital because i don't have insurance, so i'm glad nothing actually happened. but since then i've cut it out. only a few very meager pleasures since then. i drink a little caffeine, just recently had the smallest tiniest bowl of weed for the first time in Ever (was the first time i'd had weed w/out having a panic attack in so long, will come back to this*), and occasionally will have a beer. but it's nothing like it was, daily use, chasing feeling good, because i didn't feel good at all.

and the truth is, i feel... i don't know what i feel, and that's the hard part, why it's so addicting. *I chased even the panic and fear, like it was something to do. i took pride in it, the level of torture i would subject myself to, because it was all i had. i felt tough. i felt like i was gazing over the precipice of something much worse than i could imagine and teasing falling deeper, not realizing it was furling around me. having something that made me feel anything was all i could ever want. 

i've always struggled to feel attached to this world. i know that i'm in my head, piloting a meat machine, and so have never felt a need to protect it, or consider anything but the present moment. so what would it matter if i smoked again, and again, and drank, and smoked somewhere i shouldn't, and take an edible and watch a horror movie, take edibles and mushrooms together,  and wander and wander and wander...? 

it's still a struggle. i can feel it creeping back up on me like a cold hand and i want to run but i relish the touch. at least, now, i'm not alone. my husband lives with me at my home, and he says he will monitor me... hopefully, we'll see if i can help myself. through kink i've developed something much healthier than drugs, something to elicit that emotional response and intensity without actually damaging my body. i owe a lot to the concept of pooltoys for letting my sexual desire blossom into something i can grasp onto in this emotional haze that i've been trapped in. 

i owe a lot to my husband (we are not legally married yet. but we are husbands.) for giving me a space to feel. even to not feel. i've been trying age regression as well lately, and its so nice to be able to feel something like that again. honestly, i wonder. how much of this emotional haze has been due to getting covid, going on t, doing drugs...? a combination of the 3? i've stopped taking t, too. too expensive! and i "pass" (as a 17 year old boy). it's enough.

i've got a job too. it doesn't pay enough and it's ran by neanderthals. hoping to jump ship soon, but it'll have been 6 months coming mid-september. what a joke. 

embarrassingly (thankfully, i'm into being humiliated!) deltarune chap 3+4 has helped me so much lately just by being something to fixate on, especially spamton and tenna (crowd snores). they as characters resonate so much with me, especially spamton. it feels nice to see myself in a character this way again-- to the point that, well, maybe i have a "Fictive" of him.

yes, another subject jump. I've wondered about having alters or facets or SOMETHING like that for ages now. and while i can't pin it down (i really doubt that i actually have DID.) i have sensed for a long time there being other presences in my mind, and am just now starting to accept it. there's at least.. 4...? me(host), brain-spamton as i call him (childlike), cyrus (persecutor), and... some other anomalous voice that refuses to make itself known(weird and annoying). it feels nice to be able to attribute some mysteries i've pondered about myself and my life to these facets of myself. though, i won't be talking about it much elsewhere, it's pretty private, but i like to make myself known for the whole of me, and that includes that there's more of me. we'll see if these are actually what they are, or i'm just accidentally inventing the concept of tulpas again.

in between health problems, money problems, and the future of the world, it has been tumultuous. however, despite all my blithering in this blog, i've been doing mostly-ok, save for the occasional breakdown, but that's normal. i still have feelings, sometimes. i still go out places and smile and laugh, i explore, i converse with others. i have learned a lot about myself in having this stupid ass job, and though i like to make people laugh and be goofy, i can't stand others who are like that. i really mesh well with people who are grounded and honest first before they like to joke. and it feels nice to know that about myself! I never know what type of person i want to befriend, due to having never socialized my entire life, but now i feel like im a little closer to understanding. 

now in my life comes management, i suppose. i can't do much about everything all at once, so i must deal with what comes. i must deal with whatever approaches. i'm lucky, truly, my life isn't that bad. i'm glad to be housed and eating decent food and with the love of my entire life. I feel like i am hatching, slowly, finally, slithering out from a desiccated egg as some wet monstrous thing, but finally i am physical, people can see me, and they can choose if they want to love me as i am, for now i make myself known. fresh air and burning sun sting but it's better than crushing darkness. 

being alive is incredibly strange. it still feels like im wandering through a dream. having my husband with me at least now i feel like i have a handhold in the fog. i don't know. I'm very thankful for it all, but now i wonder what comes next for my life? i'm in some sort of mysterious in-between period of time and that only adds to the dreamlike sense. 

^i really understand him. i, too, am driven mad by being trapped in a dream. i too have harmed my body in pursuit of freedom and pleasure. i feel agonized by my tethers to this world and its structure. i've said cruel things and shown the evil rotten things inside of me. yet somehow i am still loved and accepted. it's interesting, isn't it? being alive at all?

i thank my darling husband for loving me for 10 beautiful years, and i hope our love continues on past the unimaginable future into beyond the beyond

i have nothing else to say. this will likely be my last post on here, but we'll see. 

how are you? are you well? are you eating? are you sleeping? are you alive? there's lots of interesting and wonderful things out there to see, if you are. 

(click for music)