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it’s a weird feeling. i feel like i can get up and function without restraint. sometimes, it feels like i can fly. the excitement i currently feel makes me wonder if i’ve ever felt it before.
i used to cling to feelings like this, attempting to slow the reality. it didn’t last. it never had. i was more desperate to feel normal than perform perceived normal activities. “what good is [...] when i can’t get up to do it? should i even bother?”
now, i feel like i can turn my dreams into something. i found myself constantly daydreaming growing up. i wonder if i can make those fantasies my reality. i wonder...i wonder if i can comfortably dream now, and i wonder if i can touch the glowing blue mass previously too far to see. it’s right in front of me. if i reach out, i feel i won’t come back. not because i’d be trapped but because i’d reach and never want to return. every new moment. every new experience makes me want to see more. there’s an endless place i may never see but feel compelled to reach for.
i miss writing. i miss it all. i miss so much that i may never have had the pleasure of understanding, but i knew existed. that was enough for me to want. i do want. regardless if my understandings are slightly, if not all, contorted to fit a narrative i need to be true.
when it comes down to it, this is all i have left. intangibility is all that can inspire me moving forward. so much has seemingly failed. i can’t fail anymore, so i’ll commit to the stars. my declaration may be detrimental in the sense that i may never be the same. i may never look at those around me and see them. i can barely see. i can barely feel. i haven’t for a long time. is it possible i’m not meant to? acknowledging a possibility everyone would rather discard...
if i’m not meant to/i am not able to strive in the ways others can, perhaps finding comfort in that and moving accordingly will completely alter, not only my life, but everything i’ve come to learn thus far.
how far is too far?
how distant can i grow towards “reality” before “i’m too far gone?” how far can i go?
hah! i’m now reminded of moana,
“if i go, there’s just no telling how far i’ll go.”
it’s an adjustment working in a world i have never been told to pursue.
at what point have i gone off into the deep end, and what devastation would follow?
is it so bad if i’m a little “off”? is that allowed? “crazy” could be the metaphorical tape to deter but hides a massive item of understanding meant to take me to the stars i’ve always wanted to call to. can i reach? am i allowed to?
is it so bad to live alongside a flying string lifted by the wind? it’s only me? am i not allowed to simply be air? can that be all i want to be?
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4:30 AM
Dear dreamer,
How rare and how beautiful a text you just produced! It makes me question: is it a pure work of fiction, and if yes, is one allowed to dream alongside with you? Or if it is a figment of your reality, then how far can one go with you?
Alas, if it is your reality, I am afraid nobody can walk this path with you - not in its fullest. Someone like me, touched by your text, can only admire the works your pilgrimage will produce - if you decide to share it with us. I only can say: if it doesn't hurt someone else, this path is uniquely yours to tackle. Only you can say whether you want to walk it, and if yes, to which extent. If that makes you non-conforming or "crazy" - so what? If it helps you find your reality, what harm can be done? From what your text offers, it seems to be something beautiful in nature, no?
Regarding your fear of going off the deep end: wisdom is created through conflict and understanding. In my experience, you have to embrace both to enact change. Even or especially if it means pain. New things are always uncomfortable. It stands to reason if they are bad - one only knows about that after trying.
I do not know if this was advice you were looking for. If not - forgive me. But if it helped, I am glad to have been of service~
Seek heaven through violence.
hello 4:30 am! thank you for your reply! i found your advice to be very reassuring, so thank you. to answer your question, if you don't mind, i like to believe anyone and everyone is welcome to dream. i hope throughout my journey i will find those with similar sentiments. though, it's easy to set aside dreams in pursuit of conformity
i enjoyed the part of your reply that spoke on wisdom. i have always thought about the geniuses we as a society have come to appreciate but they, themselves, were rather..."odd." i always wonder about that. when one’s seen as distant from society but contributions seem to cancel that out.
again, thank you.
by magilon; ; Report
Dear dreamer,
My advice was not misplaced? Then I am glad to be of help~ And I have to concur: many great artists and thinkers seemed odd to their contemporaries. So what? Their works and through them their thinking, their feeling - one is tempted to say their very souls - are preserved for us. Why else would we react so strongly to the works of persons long since dead?
Again, I must thank you as well for your text. It has the same effect on me, and I am lucky indeed to get to know the artist before their demise. Which is nice~
by 4:30 AM; ; Report
hah! this is true. if i grow to do something great, you would have seen the beginnings. thank you 4:30 am. take care.
by magilon; ; Report
tobinan
Beautiful writing, reminds me a lot of I Saw The TV Glow. Maybe you could watch it? I think u'll like it.
thanks for the reply tobinan! i appreciate your compliment.
I Saw The TV Glow has been on my watchlist for a while. i really need to get to watching it...sob...
by magilon; ; Report