i won't have the body of a boy until i'm like probably 23 (a practice in writing correctly)

It hurts so bad to think about that. I won't be able to wear the clothes I want to, I won't be able to dress myself up like a doll the way I've always wanted to, because of this stupid body I've been born in. I can barely even appreciate most days that I've been born with a body conventionally attractive for a girl and attractive to myself, it honestly makes me feel ungrateful haha. I can never wear girl jeans and youth medium sizing shirts like a band guy in the 2000s can. That sounds so stupid but it's so important to me, I would feel the same way no matter what I'm obsessed with, do you understand? I can never wear guy clothes like a guy can, I can never wear girl clothes like a guy can. The closest I can get to looking like a guy is looking like I haven't gone through puberty yet. It makes me want to kill myself so bad. It doesn't matter how feminine a guy's body is, mine will never look enough like it. Which means I have no role model I can relate to, no way to feel better about this. All I can do is feel this bad until I'm eighteen and my parents can't legally stop me from starting testosterone and getting top surgery anymore, and I'll gradually start feeling better through the stages of transition.  I don't think I can make it to eighteen without killing myself. I don't think I'd get bottom surgery, I'm just not happy with the current options for it and surgery on your genitals is obviously scary. Maybe I'd change my mind in the future. I envy the luxury I'd have in the future to just think about it and transition immediately, and not have to worry about getting my parents' permission.