how to let go

over 5 and a half months ago, i had a revelation: i needed to let go of my qualifier. i'm here today to say that i'm working on it.

i had a "bad" dream last week. i was at a large event, and then there was a mandatory meeting at my qualifier's house. throughout the dream, she was avoiding me. it went so far as me seeing her peeking out of her room to check if i was still around, and immediately retreating when we locked eyes. i woke up anxious.

i didn't know what to do. i felt my stomach turning. i sat in the feeling for a bit and uncovered what was beneath the anxiety: fear. i sat a little bit longer and peeled another layer off: under the fear was resentment. beyond the resentment was uncertainty. and the centerpiece of this Matryoshka doll was a mirror, in which i saw insecurity. it took on the image of my face, but as a warped and distorted Cronenberg of sorts. this insecurity is ugly and it underscores so much of my life.

i wanted to call her. i missed her. i still do. i didn't do anything. a realization began to take over, that if i wanted her in my life again, i'd have to move things around. i'd need to make time, and spend energy, neither of which i really have. i was saddened in an instant. even if i wanted to spend time with her, i had nowhere to fit her in my schedule. i'm so busy. yet... my life is so full.

i didn't really do it on purpose, but i became absorbed in work and recovery to the point that my days are now spent from morning to night on some sort of productive ends. i have little time to myself and i've been desperately protecting it. i write, i play music, i make jokes. i don't chase her anymore.

the afternoon came and went. evening set in. a friend of mine shared at my usual AA meeting, and the topic was brought up: "What aren't you being honest about?" an emotional lightning bolt coursed through me. i didn't get to share in the meeting, but i talked to a different friend afterwards and said something that changed my perspective profoundly. the realization i'd had during the meeting, as a result of a day's worth of sitting in an uncomfortable feeling, was thus:

i've spent the last 5 months wondering how i'm supposed to let go of her, when in fact i've already started to do it.

i've been walking around for months with what felt like a gaping wound, not realizing that this whole time i was healing, albeit slowly. my withdrawal from my qualifier is very much still real and ongoing, but it felt less dark and scary. a light at the end of the tunnel is barely visible, but i know it's out there.

i took her keys off my keychain a few days ago. the keys, and my heart, feel lighter. i'm not physically carrying the reminder around with me anymore. eventually i'll have to face her and return the keys, but for now, at least, they're out of sight and out of mind.

i don't hate her. i don't think i can. there are times i've wanted to, that's for sure. i've played out scenarios in my mind where i argue or fight with her about my feelings until she pushes me away. i've wanted to villainize her or myself so someone is "the bad guy" and walking away would feel justified. my hope for things to feel neutral or better is stronger now.

i don't know what my amends process is going to look like. it'll feel messy and difficult, but its outcome is unknowable. however, i have a sense of peace about the potential conclusion that i didn't have 5 months and 13 days ago. this serenity comes from the simple fact that i'm better now than i was back then.