stupid. stupid. stupid.

why am i so stupid? every time i wait for others, it always ends wrong for me. why do i feel like this? why do i feel so much? why am i so stupid? 

i hate being autistic. i hate it. i hate feeling like this. i hate having meltdowns. i hate feeling THIS bad whenever something bad happens. I hate feeling like me. everything is so good till it isn't. then all the memories flood over and break me. it's happening again, isn't it? I'm stupid. stupid. idiot. should've thought about myself for once, for real. once again i have failed myself for others. at least they didn't abandon me too. at least we're all fucked up together. i guess that even in pain there is peace in that. it's definitely less painful than that time. 

please.

if you're real just help me this one time

have i not suffered enough? 

its true that my life is good and I can't complain. but if you're real, then you'd know exactly how i feel. how intense it is. how intense everything is. the pain. the amount of pain. i know that if my life wasn't good I would've killed myself years ago. i am not that strong. i don't even have a will to live, even now. i just don't have a will to die either. 

i think I'm stupid. 

please

help me