my happy autumn

chestnuts are ripening on the chestnut trees and will soon start falling, i thrifted a warm, oversized, comfy flannel shirt for this time of year and the past few days have been so cold that in the northern part of the country it even snowed, even though it's august (though by the end of the week it's supposed to get hot again)

i hate the autumn-winter season: everything rots, there's no greenery, it's cold, gray, often rainy, and the snow is wet and freezing. on top of all that, school hits you the hardest during this period

but i want this autumn to be different. i want all that romanticizing of autumn aesthetics to actually work. every autumn in the past, i felt sad. last winter, my therapist told me it might not be seasonal depression but rather because i surrounded myself with people who ruined my mood

now i've cut off all those people, the whole summer was wonderful, without any emotional lows at the end. so maybe what she said is true? maybe this will finally be my happy autumn? the only obstacle is this sudden flood of responsibilities, which, if school eats up the rest of my optimism, could ruin it. my brain wants to isolate me from depressing thoughts, but my heart is drawn to them