Rant about death

Tw: suicide 

Im not scared of death. I never have been, nor will I ever be. Maybe more scared of how I'm going to die, rather than actual death itself. I feel like thats normal, no? Or should be, in my opinion at least. 

Now, when I think about death there's usually 2 ways it can go. Its either "Everything comes to and end anyways, why even bother with anything?" as in that just nothing matters, or in the way that yes, everything comes to an end but because of that you should enjoy everything that much more. I dont really know which side I'm on. Because as a person whos been a bit su1cidal for a while, I still dont understand it myself. I dont have this necessary need to just die, but I simply just dont wanna be here. Theres just something so comforting about dissappearing forever. 

Maybe I'm more scared of what comes after death. I'm not religious, and I dont know what to believe in at all. Id hope its not just eternal nothingness, but sometimes that seems better than living. 

Dont mean to be depressed today, but when I found out that some people havent even THOUGHT about offing themselves? That is just so insane to me. And I mean, great for you - but I just cant imagine my life like that. Not a day goes by where I dont think about doing it. I wish I wasnt such a coward and just did it man istg. Thats how I see my death. Most definitely suicide. Ive never seen it any other way, and if it wasnt for literally being prevented it by others it'd 100% be dead by now. I dont expect some pity shit rn or whatever, I'm just saying that I dont get what the big deal would be. Right now I'm honestly just looking for an excuse to do it because I really dont have much of a reason. I just want to. And I hate when people say "If you have letters to write, you have reasons to stay." Because that just doesn't aply to me at all. When I did write them there wasnt much in them besides pure anger and hatred. So no, I dont have much reasons to stay. My family I'm convinced would just get over it, and my friends would move on, the one person I only really care about I guess is my girlfriend, but its not like she couldnt find someone new aswell. I never understood what she saw in me anyways. 

When I did actually try and do it, I didnt regret it. If I was sad for any reason, it was because it didnt work. Gah I wish I had the balls to jump off a cliff. Or I had a gun. I know (technically) hanging myself would work, or there's a high chance of it working at least but IF it didnt work Id be so mad. My neck would maybe be broken, and I'd just be fucked up in general. I guess I just dont see myself making it past this year, thats all.

I dunno, I dont really expect a lot of ppl to see this, or reply or anything. Also, dont give me some bullshit pity, please.

Bye!