It is what it is

Well, i've been living out of school for a while now. Thank god that's over, though i know that old fart had nothing to do with it. In reality it was just me, it's always been me, smoking too much pot to the point I nearly got expelled when they caught me and even then my parents figured that place was no longer safe for me because in heat of things they (the school principal and some other big safety guy) called the cops and I was choked and dragged to the floor, nearly handcuffed. By the end of that day I was sitting in a precinct covered in my blood and snot from all the crying I did before.

(I'd also like to go on record that I never have and never will sell any weed to anyone, because I'm aware of the dependency it can cause and I don't want to deal with the responsibility or guilt of being involved in someone else's downward spiral.)

The hardest (maybe weirdest) thing about all this is nothing seems to have changed for me, and don't get me wrong im extremely grateful for all the support ive gotten by friends and family but I'm just tired. I'm always tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep ever, I could wake up at 9pm and still not want to get out of bed.

5 years of pointless bitching and complaining, none of what I do means anything to me anymore until im once again temporarily distracted from these growing troubles. They always come back tho, bigger, meaner and more tiring.

I wish I could see myself like other people do, maybe I'd understand why they value me so much at times, and others they seem to ignore me completely.

I quit therapy but I'm still on medication, neither seem to really make a change for me.

Something is fundamentally wrong with me.

I need to put myself down, like the ungrateful rabid old dog I am.

"There are places I remember

in my life, though some have changed

some forever not for better

some are gone and some remain

all these places had their moments

with lovers and friends, I still can recall

some are dead and some are living

in my life, I loved them all"

I hate myself