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I am in a polyamorous relationship with two amasing, living and caring women. They make my life easier and so much better. It is so hard to describe what they do for me on the daily to help me get to the ends of my days in one piece.
I have a lot of mental problems. And today it was very apparent. I suffer from ADHD and depression. Those are some of my biggest demons, and they work very well together to combat me. Today was particularly rough. I could not retain information, memories have been hard to process, I have felt disconnected and absolutely lost. Voices echo and there is a million sounds in my head all fighting for dominance and its so hard to sort out which is the right one.
It is so hard being in my own head. Barley understanding what is going on myself. Then trying to explain it for those that do not go through it is next to impossible. You can find videos, memes, blogs, pictures and such that capture the spirit of what you are going through. But nothing will ever capture the loud internal screaming, white noise, sudden silence, creeping dread....none of it. It's all just analogies that never seem to do the pain well enough.
It goes both ways as well. The love I feel, the excitement when a new game is announced, sadness, happiness, anger, dread, it is all amplified by so much because of ADHD.
These two women. Thes two fuckijg amasing women. Hold my hand, talk with me, pull me through so much. It's so hard to express to them that I truly do not feel like I deserve what they do for me. Because in a million years I will never....not even close be able to do what they have done for me.
I feel every day that they pull me up and support me in everything I do. The pain I felt tonight. Was hard and they never once wavered from my side. I sat almost in tears tonight trying to understand a game and all I could hear was white noise. Unable to join people I care about cause all I could see was a jumbled mess.
He'll I don't even know if any of this will come out coherently to be honest. I can't focus enough to check what I'm typing. I'm also still to off to go back and focus on what it is I have even written after the fact. But I needed to get these thoughts out.
This blog is helping me alot. I think it is triggering moments like this. But these are old Graves that need to be dug up. This is darkness that needs to be brought to the light. Only then can I work twords bettering my mental health.
To the two women in my life that have gone so far above and beyond for me. I absolutely love you and I am sorry for tonight. I know what yall will say, but I need to say it. Without you my world would cease to exist. You are my light in this very fucked up tunnel I am traveling. My guides. My loves. My world.
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Lauranie
We all have rough days.. and, yes yours seem to hit very hard when they come. But, even through all of that mental hell, you never once stop showing you care, showing your love...and as much as your brain fights it, you allow yourself to be loved. There are bumps and potholes along the way, big giant car sized ones sometimes, but that doesnt mean you give up when the rest of the journey is nothing short of incredible.
It may be difficult to see worth in yourself, that's a demon I know well... But, its there in the hundreds of little and big ways you show your love every single day, even the bad ones.
I am so glad these are helping you. It seems a good way to keep that cup from overflowig, even if it means there may be a mess to clean after.
Personally, these help me as well to try and better understand how to be there for you.
I cannot begin to put into words how incredibly special you are to me and how much I love you.
I try I really do try. It is so difficult to push myself and make it through some of these days. I love you so so much and I will always fight to do my best and show yall how much I love and care.
Thank you so so damn much for putting up with everything *hugs tightly*
by Slade Strife; ; Report
You never quite see the you that we see. Yes these days are rough but you are even more amazing for being open with us and letting us in. We can only do what we do because you love us enough to let us. I am so lucky to have the two of you in my life. Lauranie is an amazing woman and I am so glad you have her. I will be here on good days and bad.
by Creation Harmony; ; Report
I am so so fucking lucky... *clings tightly to you both*
by Slade Strife; ; Report
ren
Ummm what? My blog was all about praising the two women that help me through my bad and horrible rough days.
To be honest without them I am not sure I would even still be breathing...
by Slade Strife; ; Report
omg no i meant it like "ugh i love women" im sorry
by ren; ; Report
Oh OK lol I was very confused.
I'm still very foggy headed right now and was very worried I got the wrong intention sent out @.@;;
by Slade Strife; ; Report