Sh is so odd

(TW: sh heavily mentioned, just that sensitive stuff in general)

I dont mean to be super depressive right now, but relapsing was always just so weird to me? 

As a person who used to very regularly do that stuff I never even counted it as relapsing just..doing it again? Because Ive never fully stopped, or even tried to. I never ever felt "guilty" about it, and it was and still is weird to me that other people do. Not shaming or anything how youre feeling, just different for me. Because even when I first started doing that, the only reason why I'd maybe feel guilty, or ashamed was if someone found out. And when someone finally did find out(because I was stupid enough to do it during summer like wtf lmao), I didnt feel guilty. Why should I? I felt angry and frustrated more than anything else, just because I was so stupid and couldnt do it again.

I never found sh to be a bad thing to do to myself and personally, I still really dont? (I am NOT promoting this in any way whatsoever, please do not hurt yourself!!!) Because its not like the psychiatrists and phycologist and everyone I went to seemed to even fucking care. I mean, sure they gave me some half arsed pity apology(mainly psychiatrists), but as long as it wasnt like bad enough to almost kill me they didnt really care for it. And so, that led me on to do try and get deeper(again, not saying u should do that), which I did and I dont necessarily regret it, the scars, maybe i do, but which they probably arent even THAT noticable, on my arms especially not, but I dont know, they are to me. 

When I first started to sh, I didnt go deep at all, I was so so SO happy when I first got blood and just couldnt seem to stop after that. I got so fucking mad when everyone was starting to tell me how "they noticed" or that I seemed off, but why not help me then? I was wearing a sweater in 30° weather and you just didnt even seem to care? And god, dont even get me started on when I went to the doctor for the first time(i told my mom about my mh the night before and I dont think ive ever regreted anything more, if i didnt tell her id 100% be dead by now.) All she did was tell me that its not that bad and I had to practically strip down to make sure I didnt do it anywhere else. It sucked. I, obviously, told her it wasnt that bad because I knew that otherwise id 100% be sent somewhere(which i still got very threatened with later on.) 

But I dont know, I know that it IS an addiction but I dont want to stop, so why should I? Its not getting to the point where ill die, and yes - I know that im in the situation "I could stop whenever I wanted to, I just dont want to." And I honestly just could not care less. I always forced myself to do it(dk why), and even though everyone I told(psychiatrists, etc) asked me if I "felt like i deserved it?" I never thought that. I dont particularly like myself, but I just dont care. 

When I first got permanent scars it was a mixture of happiness and worry, because I knew no more normal swimsuits and whatever, I was just begging myself to find a place where I could do it and it not be noticable(and i didnt find one), so I guess maybe thats the only regret I ever really felt about it. But younger me would be proud, lmao. Im not gonna get into suicide rn, because I just dk what to say without sounding very suicidal and weird, idk.

Thats all, im not expecting anyone to read this just wanted to get it out because I wanna know if anyone feels the same.(again, dont do this to yourself, please, get help!!)

Bye!