i wish i was someone's favorite artist. or i wish i was remarkable

im putting this foreword pre-emptively: i don't want people possibly asking what my socials are so they can see my art. these thoughts are kind of invalid because comparison is the thief of joy, but being aware of it doesn't really prevent it from making me feel a little sucky. i'm proud of my friends and i love their art, they deserve all the flowers in the world and i will always want to support them the best i can.

well since that's out of the way, i'll just jump in and say that it sucks knowing that in my circle of friends, i'm no one's favorite artist. i'm friends with such skilled, talented individuals and i fully acknowledge that. it makes me happy knowing they love my art as much as i love theirs. but sometimes it hurts showing other people my friends' art when asked because i know for a fact that there's the thought of "oh, their art is SO much better. wow!" and i guess it hurts?

even to my own boyfriend i'm #2 to my friend. idk. well it's nice that he didn't lie. even if he said i was still #1 i would have known it to be a lie told just because i'm his girlfriend. but i guess it hurts.

it makes me want to work harder, but it also makes me wonder what i've been doing to where my art doesn't look like others in my life. well my friend has 5 years over me, that's an important factor. but i know there's 16 year olds that draw insanely well. My art at 16 was awful. People learn so quickly these days.

it factors into other things too. can i ever be #1 where it matters? 

i'm definitely not #1 in academics. i'm simply above average. i can't find an internship. i got my rejection email last night. 

i can't find a job. no jobs i applied to got back to me. 

my friends who are also insanely cracked at art are also doing utaite work. i can't sing. it's hard for me to learn since the walls are thin in my apartment. 

i can't play an instrument. maybe i know a little bit of piano. i tried learning bass a while ago but had to quit to focus on my studies. i wanted to start a band in high school. i quit when i realized my friends at the time didn't care for it. i haven't picked it up since then. it kind of hurts looking at the  bass when i go home. my other friends who are also cracked at art play multiple instruments. 

i never feel enough. there's something that's missing from me and i'm so unremarkable. all i have is my art. 

that's really it. i tried distracting myself from this by playing kilordle. it's wordle, but 1000 of them. it's very fun. but it didn't distract me from the disappointment i felt in myself after a call with my boyfriend