I think I hate love

If you've ever been in love, you know how much it sucks. It's electric, it's beautiful, and it hurts in the best and worst ways. I won't exactly say I'm 100% in love, but there is something. I think.

Let's start at the top. If you read one of my past blogs about major heartbreak and whatnot, you know how much it hurt. I spent graduation dealing with loss, a punch to the gut every week, and swollen eyes. Despite it, I pushed through and made a few amazing friends, finally have a set plan for the near future, and I met someone.

So what is the problem one may ask? I'm afraid. That's right, a love obsessed femcel is afraid of commitment. Shocker. I want to love again, but how could I when I feel like I was only ever loved for one thing? I want to feel affection without being obsessed. I crave attention, but I don't want to be clingy. I know this person might like me, but what if it's all fake? What if they genuinely like me? It makes me want to run away.

How awful was the last relationship for me to feel this way? Honestly, it wasn't really that bad. A mutual breakup. Even so, I kept a ton hidden. When he told me he loved me, it took forever for me to trust it. Even now, affection doesn't feel real. If you call me pretty, I'll call you a liar instinctively. But him? He was clingy. I'd avoid it and come crawling back one way or another. He totally lied about having commitment issues. Call it karma.

I remember when he told me about the girl before me. A bland relationship up until I had caught his eye. How? I was nice. Why is it that kindness has landed me in the worst places? I'm nice and all of a sudden, it's love. I get it. I fall in love easily, that much is obvious. But more often than not, I'll be rude or avoid the one I like. Not the other way around. Why is that? I don't mean to be evil and I don't want to run away. I don't mean to go silent, I just do. It sucks.

He meant everything to me, but I couldn't ever get it out of my head. What if he never loved me? He only put up with me because I could be nice. He didn't like my friends, didn't like the idea of me expressing myself with tattoos or piercings, and leaned towards a more traditional life. Thinking about it, I wasn't really his type. I think I was a placeholder. He could lean on me until it was suffocating. If you read my bulletin, you get the gist.

I think my parents play a part in that. Seeing their relationship ruined love for me. As well as other incidents in my life, but that's for another blog. They fought. Mother would either cry or walk away. Even when she'd be angry at me or any of my siblings, she'd eventually ignore us. Not a glance. She didn't always need a reason to ignore us though, she just would. I think I fear love. Love is scary because what if they love me? What if I hurt them?

I want a love that makes me feel safe. I don't want someone to notice me just because I can be kind. I want someone that can understand me and care for me, flaws and all. I want flowers and long walks. I want movies and dates. I want fun nights out and days in. I want to write about them. I want to give them gifts and make them my muse. I want to ramble to them and listen when they ramble too. I want love. How can I love when I can feel something so rotten in me?

Anyway, I can't call it love. I don't know them well enough. Doesn't mean my heart isn't trying to beat louder than the thoughts in my head. If I want to try, I know I need to focus on creating a space for myself to cool down before I mess up. I know I need to be a better person and get help. I know I need to aim for my dreams instead of settling. If I do like this person, I want to learn to tell them that. I need them to at least listen before giving me a shot. More than anything, I'm happy I have gotten this far. It's a step, and that itself is remarkable in my eyes.

This is less about me hating love and more about doubting myself, but whatever!! If it all blows up in my face, I will let you know. ALSO STREAM LUNA DAY BC SHE IS PEAK!!!!!!