i hate that i like him so much and crawl back to him

everytime he actually talks to me once in a blue moon i cant help but sink into what little attention they give me. especially if its some basic decency like "sure alright take ur time its good" thanks fuckface youre making my brain like you again like some stupid middleschooler i hate it and i love it because i see a glimpse of hope that maybe what was once us can rekindle except logic says it wont and never will, even he admitted it, it hurts to think about it but i know i should move on except every 3 days or so i just come crawling back and hell he doesnt even care, he doesnt notice, why?

because he moved on.

but i cant, i really cant

i know he doesnt like me anymore, yet it hurts that he once thought of me as one of his bestest peers. and now i am someone who's too dull for him now. someone who's not fun to play around with anymore. i feel like some discarded toy collecting dust in its toy box. 

those times where they would invite me to their private roblox server, just the two of us, where we would mess around with sandbox/weapons stuff, fight eachother. those times we would call each other pet names and act all lovey dovey all for the sake of our friends' reaction, revelling on their entertainment. that time he played with me on roblox for 2 hours after new years, seeing who would fall asleep first. and i lost. 

"my little darling<3"

i still miss that nickname, i long for that nickname, what they once nicknamed me as.

and its so stupid how im getting so worked up, all over some stupid discord shenanigans just molded as silly friends stuff to bait our other friends to give us reactions over trickking them into thining we were dating. i miss it all, no, i dont miss the whole publicity and attention.

i miss when we were close, when that brought us closer, when we would talk a lot over break.

and im even more emotional writing this because on top of pouring my heart out over some guy, some melacholy filipino love song is playing in the background, it all reminds me of him because WHAT IM LISTENING TO IT FOR IS INDIRECTLY RELATED TO HIM. AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!! sometimes the gods really just want to toy with their creations, was this what you wanted, kismet?

WAS ITTTT??

i still feel so incredibly jealous whenever he talks to somebody, even if its somebody he orbits always now. it makes the burn feel more salty. is it all because i feel replaced? is it because i feel like some toy watching its owner play with other new dolls? is it because he finds me annoying now? is it because i instantly reminisce the memories me and them had together? all of it, yes, absolutely. i know i should move on because he doesnt care about me anymore and thats fine! its not his fault he doesnt anymore, his brain just works that way, its how humans work, its also how relationships and friendships work. i understand, i completely understand. but i cant, i just cant. im often a logical person and i just let people go, but this one i just cant, i still feel a faint red string attached, and its absolutely suffocating me.

im hopeless, there is no rekindling, there is no saving a dead bird

i know it sounds all edgy, i know what im saying is awfully but just bear me, im just pouring my raw feelings out

because quite frankly this is my only space where i can talk freely.

i still miss you.

i really do, and it pisses me to death. i dont hate you, i hate myself for being like this.