SITUATIONSHIP

I would literally burn situationships alive if I could I swear. I don't even care to make this blog poetic anymore. One moment I'm certain we would be something more eventually, the next I dread the thought of it. She truly knows how to make me mad, even over text, even when I haven't seen her in two months. And yet I'm addicted to the feeling of seeing her message pop up on my lock screen, and her calling me pretty or pet names to piss me off. But then she doesn't communicate and makes me feel like a needy emotional non-girlfriend for being bothered by something and wanting to talk it out. Like she never brings up any issues, she never wants to talk something out, she's fine with not resolving the problem and brushing it off and moving on to a more interesting topic of hers. I don't think she even avoids anything, she just doesn't care the way I do about things. For her nothing is that deep. And that obviously makes me feel self conscious in every way possible even if I understand that she's not the sensitive over thinker I am. I simply don't fully comprehend people who are born this way no matter how hard I try. And she doesn't understand me or even try to. We're from different worlds. She has a totally unproblematic family, two loving parents, no siblings. She grew up being the weird kid. In our class, she's the favourite class clown. She's intelligent and wordy, opinionated and loud. She has a strange friend group of a nerd anime obsessed lesbian, a straight girl obsessed with gay comics, an anime obsessed French weirdo, a basic straight girl who only talks about her guys, an insanely smart girl who gets pretty privilege, and then her as the leader of some sort. She complains about her friends all the time. And when I tell her to just talk to them about it, she says no. She's not the "communication is key" kinda person like me. I grew up in a very problematic household with a privileged brother, an emotionally unstable mother, and an emotionally absent father. I was always the the nerd kid because I couldn't be a foreigner AND a dumb one. I have only one very close friend, one occasional hangout friend who I've known since forever, and her. We have a complicated history. In the span of two years we went from inseparable friendship duo to enemies who didn't even look at each other to whatever this stage is. She started it, flirting with me for a week straight and then making me believe I was simply egoistic and translated it all wrong. I forced it out of her to admit she liked me, and I was confused. A week later I told her I liked her too for some reason. Then things were weird, and then summer break started and neither of us has had the time to meet up. We've been texting, but mostly fighting. About her dodging a question, her claiming she has no idea what the problem is when we've been discussing the same problem for thirty minutes now, her ending an argument with "idk" and then changing topic, leaving the issue unresolved. She did that just last night and I didn't text her for two days after that, ghosting, hoping she might get the memo, but she was just fine with it. Then we made some small talk and I seriously don't know if I should bring up last night's conversation up or leave it. Believe me she knows her way of communication drives me crazy, I've told her, she said she will try, and yet I see no change. I don't know what to do anymore. It just goes really up and really down. Oh and she always apologises and doesn't even know what for when I ask. So there's that. If anyone reads these pathetic vents then please I beg for advice.