what now?

I move in in 6 days!

My week long $650 very unnecessary private school treatment first year orientation begins on the 24th

the schedule has been released so I was looking through it last night and it made me panic a bit...it was because a few minutes before I was also looking through the self-intros for my orientation group 

like lowk why am i lgbtq-maxxing compared to them...me standing in a group of ppl w the only person w he/they. i swear this one girl had she/they before and she changed it...but idk i just feel sorta insecure now!!!! like "oh i draw and go by he/they and listen to radiohead" THATS OBVIOUSLY GAY ASF😭😭😭😭 why is everyone else cishet asf....guys...?? i thought this was the art group....none of yall look like me and its scaring me.... i feel like the most affirmation i might get from someone is just gonna be from this one girl who said she liked playing stardew and she might say smth ab how she dated emily in game or sum shit. Maybe the girls are fujoshis bc they are asian...but also they look stem asf...FUCK...i wont know until i meet w them but im nervous...im nervous im nervous im nervous!!!

also idk whats happening w my driving thing? my instructor said he'll look for a new appointment but like within 5 days?? boyy...ts is not happening...

and i kinda dont want to anymore...driving has been stressing me out so bad and i was so excited to be done w it with my original appointment for the behind the wheel test but who knew this fuckass guy would have not renewed his vehicle registration. UGH whatever im stressed enough ab  it bc my dad keeps making it sound like its my fault and im so so sick of it!! i'll apply for state id instead tmr, and it probably wont come in before i leave but i could maybe pick it up winter break..

idk what to do w my instructor.. im assuming i can come back during winter break to get my license thing figured out. i should probably reach out to him a bit early before winter break ends bc booking an appointment in the dmv is always hell. idk if hes gonna do it for free but he better do it for free bc he wasted a lot of my time and money😭😭😭 I'll have to talk ab that w my brother today too

also i was doomscrolling on my school's reddit last night, specifically ab how ppl are struggling to afford it and have to work their ass off on top of the crazy loans. its so freaking expensive and theres so much additional fees that they keep tagging onto me and its so...................
I want to make money!! i want to keep trying...my brother is just telling me to take advantage of my parents' money when i could, and i partially agree w that just bc i keep seeing my fuckass dad spend money on unnecessary shit for himself while pressuring the rest of the family to save money. hes been like that since forever. and i am thankful that i still get to live under a nice house and honestly im not that difficult to satisfy imo bc i dont go out and just play fucking roblox or draw at home. Last time i checked our income it looked like a lot but also my dad's always always always always always everytime he sees me always always always always complaining ab tuition. but also he wanted me to go to an ivy! there were no other choices w better aid besides maybe community college but he didnt want me to go to community college so like....what the hell. he is literally stress itself. doesnt have friends, always worries ab unneccessary shit and makes other ppl around him panic too ab stuff thats out of control, drinking problem, smokes, cant read the room, fat, failing organs, YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! JUST DIE!!!!!

I need to find good scholarships and try to work early in the year if possible though. I'm so. sick of hearing my dad nag. He acts like hes alwaaayyys sacrificing soo muchhhh for his children but ur literally not!!! maybe if u didnt have a drinking problem u wouldnt be wasting so much money on health bills. maybe if u went out of ur way to make friends u wouldnt have to use ur kids as a pseudo therapist. GET AN AI THERAPIST FOR ALL I CARE. i genuinely do not give a fuck if he kills himself from being depressed or whatever. u have been such a menace to my life and our family and fucking everyone yet u act like it was smth "out of ur control" ur fucking funny. get ur control freak misogynistic patriarchal cockyass out of my fucking life.

so anyways yeah i say all of that to say: "I really need/want to get a job and try my best to cover the tuition by myself as much as I can because I fucking hate my dad and his existence in my life." 

but also tuition is no joke. so fucking expensive brah. but I think I just have to focus on looking for different ways to save/add to the jar bit by bit...im sure itll add up! and worrying will get me nowhere if i just sit on my ass and worry all day. I just have to try and do what I can and I'm sure it'll eventually get me somewhere!

im mainly just worried of not making friends in a similar boat to me, but im sure i will. and ik at least half the students will be ppl who r better off financially than me, theres a lot of ppl to meet...so im sure i'll meet people!!!!

ugh i wish i can just marry a rich lesbian or something and have her pay my tuition. chances of that happening are close to 0 though im lowk kinda chopped!! FUCK!!!!! idk some days i feel like i look good but most of the time im just staring at my face....fucking asians w round faces bro....why is my head lowk so big and why is my face so roundndkjkjfbgmfd especially when i smile...i look so stupidlkfhkjsdhm,bgd. I need ta lose more weight ig probably. sighh im so insecure ab my face shape its not even funny.

These are all the main concerns thats been floating through my head recently. And i write them here so that they can stay here and bother me a bit less. its very easy to keep finding new things to be stressed about but trying indica, reading through yearbook signatures, letters from friends, and pictures we took together has made me feel like sometimes I stress myself out more than necessary (possibly influences from parents)

the world looks so grim when Im just sitting in my desk at 1 am worrying ab things that seem so difficult. But I really dont' want to keep living in that headspace. I really want to believe that everything will work out in the end (and i kinda do believe in it!) I want to believe that your life's happiness is determined by your perspective than the actual events

i just want to be chill and hardworking and happy! I want to be happy!

I think I just need to be continuously moving and working on something to start somewhere...It's natural things just get a little slow during the summer, but I think I did pretty good to keep myself busy I think. I put in effort to trying to have a good summer, and I'm sure the energy will transfer over as I enter college and will help be a bit to adjusting well

I always feel unguided and stranded in the dark by myself, but I know there's a lot of guidance systems in my life. I have plenty of friends that I trust and ugh i hate my dad but i guess him and also the rest of my family are there (my mom's side of the family r all super nice and i luv them!) and my brother's always there and theres plenty of resources to take advantage of. As long as I keep moving along and asking for help when I need it, I will get the help I need! I am guided asf!!!!

Worries ab things out of ur control get u nowhere!!! I think it's still good to have some worries for things like that because it helps u be a little proactive before things happen, but worrying wayyy too much and letting it spiral down ur head is bad!!! I'm nervous and worried if I'll be able to make friends, but I also won't really know what will happen until I actually meet the people and try talking to them! So i dont have to worry ab that rn! and sometimes worrying too much becomes a deterrence to ur performance. so worrying too much ab making friends might actually make me bad at making friends. 

and based on the life i have so far...i dont think im that irresponsible tbh...even if things go bad I think I can trust myself to figure stuff out somehow. It's just about taking a step back in a stressful moment to figure out what you need to give yourself. It's really about giving yourself clarity when you need it!

theres still a lot of parts about myself that I think are incomplete...Like i feel like I still dont know a lot of things and I feel really naive and stupid...but thats also natural at this time in life so i think its ok. I just have to keep trying to better myself and things will feel much more smoother. 

and theres also so many things i love (like hobbies and interests) and im glad I have them. I'm glad i like drawing, glad I like the music I like, glad I like the instruments I like to play. I'm glad I have friends. I'm glad I have my brother, my mom, the rest of the family. Glad I have people in my life. I should be thankful because I have more privileges in my life than I think. 

But yeah anyhow I just need to keep moving forward! I really needed this time to just write all of these affirmations down. I've just been feeling so lost recently and the last few days of summer seemed to be slipping out of my hands with no coherent takeaways. 

As cheesy as it sounds, if I fall, I just have to stand back up!

attaching a hikaru no go picture here bc i just want more positive energy rn lol...and i luv hikaru no go 🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤im glad i gave myself some time today for this