curiosity about the world mixed with fear is alluring

i live in an urban area. i don’t like it - i prefer to wander off to places with fields, forests, meadows, etc. until recently, i didn’t even know i had such places within my reach. i finally discovered them when i was ready to open myself up to the world. i often visit them when i have no motivation to do anything else. i enjoy going on such walks, and they also make me feel less idle

at the same time, these areas are dangerous. even urban areas full of people who could potentially save you are dangerous - and even more so those in the distance. when i walk into them, i’m the happiest person in the world, i feel like my soul belongs there, but i’m also afraid that something might happen to me there. imagine going to the place you love most, only to unexpectedly disappear there

recently, when i was walking through total-nowhere, next to a "pond" (i thought, 'oh! what a pretty pond!' but it turned out to be a sewage treatment plant lol), i came across a car. it was empty - but why was it parked in a place like that? not long ago, i had a dream where i was running away from something/someone as fast as i could, and today, when i was passing by a forest, in complete silence, the sound of rustling leaves suddenly started. i hope it was an animal. i also often pass by suspicious-looking people, and i often turn around to look at them once i've passed. i stay alert, *though there's not much i could really do anyway*

if i ever disappear, it’s either because something happened to me on one of those walks, *or my first ex who acts like a psychopath did something to me - though i wouldn’t want that either lol*

sometimes i wonder how many people online, and especially on this platform, might be reading a blog post like this about someone’s fear, while deep down, they themselves might be harboring bad intentions toward someone, they’re not who they claim to be, etc. it’s terrifying. actually, everything is terrifying when you think about it more deeply