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This trend continued well into my teens and I got good at pulling wool over people's eyes so they could not see the real vulnerable me. I'd deflect, using quick quips to deny friends or anyone trying to get close from getting anything of substance. Humor is great at keeping friends. People prefer being entertained rather than getting to know you and I found that arrangement preferable as well. I was a stranger to everyone including my ex.
I remember at some point I made the conscious decision to shut down my emotions and surprisingly it actually slowly happened. There was a transition period where only the stronger emotions like rage could be felt, and eventually I became void. Now I don't know what anger feels like. Since then I've cried a few times, my throat would tighten, and my eyes would tear up. It felt like something my body decided to do on its own. There was an inkling of something happening inside, some sort of vague, formless emptiness but that's all I could feel. As far as I can tell this vague feeling is the only emotion I can feel.
I believe there's a schism between my consciousness and my emotions. No matter how atrophied my limbic system is, I think it still tries its best but all its output is blocked and kept down under layers I can't access.
Amusingly this perfectly mirrors something else I buried in my early childhood. I used to have very vivid highly visual imagination and it would scare the pants off me. I had to suppress it so I could go to sleep without seeing horror slideshows every night. Now I can still rotate apples in my mind, do mental geometric puzzles and whatever but it happens on an unconscious layer, and consciously I just know the result. It's hard to explain.
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Hanko
"People prefer being entertained rather than getting to know you" This needs to be heard out more then ever before.
grimesoul
This is such a mood honestly, thanks for helping some people find the words for their feelings.
Feline Folly
I don't hear much from people about the "horror slideshow" phenomena which is something I always had a hard time explaining, all of this felt familiar to me, and part of that makes me feel less alone, I hope the best for you!
Grey
thanks for writting this!
Princess Wizard
Thats It.
Razz
I wonder why so many people relate to this, including myself
anemic
this resonates alot
RADIUM
I can relate
min
oh i wasn’t expecting to see another schizoid person upon logging back into spacehey!! sickkk
fredd
i've never related to something more. i've never known how to explain it.
cursedkitty.exe
i wish i cloud do that too tbh, i'm overly sensitive and can't control it, i mean i can control my reactions ofc, but not how i feel
TeenageZ0mbie
I can’t tell how much I relate to this. I didn’t go thru the same things as you but I can relate to your problems also that horror slide show thing I used to have to it’s much rare now for me but I’m used to like try to suppress it ig I like used to see clear disturbing images I have never seen mostly people I didn’t know but I clearly remember I couldn’t sleep at nights bc I would hear clear voices telling bad stuff to me most nights I don’t hear them now but I remember hearing it so clearly and ig because of that my sleeping schedule got worse lol
I’m really sorry for what ur going thru even if it makes you feel vulnerable you should talk to someone as vulnerable as you to get it of your chest bc if you don’t it might pile up and get worse.
ivån
holy shit, this made me feel seen as fuck
Iloveultrakill
holy nothing burger
Angel
Sorry if this is a dumb question, but I wanted to ask your opinion specifically. What do you mean when you say Schizoid?
I only ever heard the word as an insult on the internet, and I realized that I don't actually know what it means at all.
spd or schizoid personality disorder
by lulu piss; ; Report
What lulu said. People use it as an insult because it sounds like schizo. It used to be commonly thought that being Schizoid was having Schizophrenia without the psychosis.
SPD has the negative (negative as in things we lack compared to others) set of symptoms schizophrenics have: apathy, anhedonia, avolition, alogia, asociality, blunted affect.
However it has none of the positive symptoms schizophrenics experience such as psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, disorganised thought and speech.
It's one of the 3 cluster A personality disorders. The other are schizotypal and paranoid. Schizotypal is closer to schizophrenia in the classical sense - they tend to have strange beliefs and a distorted sense of reality. Paranoid is well... paranoid, they often think they are persecuted and are distrustful. Notice how all cluster A share characteristics with schizophrenia, but out of all 3 schizoid is ironically the least "schizo"
by antipatic; ; Report
Ohhhhh... I see! Thanks! I heard about the different clusters before but mostly insults and fears about people with Cluster B disorders. I can see what you mean when you say that you struggle with feelings and connection now.
You're a really good writer. I don't fully understand what you're talking about, but I feel like I know a little bit more. ^^
by Angel; ; Report
rhaendrop
This felt too relatable.
𝕬𝖐𝖆𝖎
i'm not like this i see bugs shadow people morphing in and out things and extreme paranoid
ivy
People prefer being entertained rather than getting to know you
This line felt too personal 👾
Insufficient_Phuck
Thsi is a tad bit too relatable
PS do you have autism maybe?? Idk kust a question cuz i have it and i realt to this piece of text.
No autism
by antipatic; ; Report
Sophieslays
While I am still young (15) I understand this feeling and didn’t know other people went through this it has even gotten to the point where it has effected my physical health (I’m autistic and when I feel like this it causes really bad burn out which contributes to the physical factors). Sorry you have to deal with this but you are not alone and thank you for putting these feelings into words <3
Ty for the kind words. I've been dealt a bad hand but it definitely could be worse. I'm so disconnected from myself, others and emotionally that I feel like I'm barely truly experiencing life at all - which sounds bad, and it is, but it also makes me indifferent to my own condition most of the time.
My health also was affected by my lack of care at times. Don't neglect it. Keep in mind the age you're at is pretty tumultuous, but the seas will soon calm down. Have honest sessions of introspection, it will help understand yourself better and accept who you are. Take care of yourself
by antipatic; ; Report