Entry #92

lately ive been feeling overall numb to a lot of things. i feel like i dont have anything left that could hurt me if i lost it. i mean i know i do but i just guess im going through some sort of strange phase. i feel like i dont care about anything anymore, myself or others. i am once again alive but not living. i cant even feel angry anymore, but now i wish i did after begging to feel anything but anger. at my grandmas right now. grandpa is going to the hospital overnight for something, i already forgot what. i think theyre both going to die soon. my grandma's vertebrae is crumbling, shes going blind, filled with arthritis, grandpa is also going blind, neither of them can barely walk, yet i just cant even feel anything. of course i feel sad knowing theyre in pain and going to die soon, but i just cant muster up a single tear. maybe its because they arent actually gone yet. i dont know. i couldnt even cry for my uncle's death honestly, but maybe thats because i wasnt necessarily the closest with him. i feel horrible, for not crying. though maybe im finally maturing. oh well. sometimes i refrain from talking so much about myself on here, in case people that hate me find them and they get happy knowing im miserable. i hate that. i hate when people are happy knowing theyre doing better than me. i just want to wrap my hands around their necks and squeeze until its over. im being surrounded, cannot type further. bai