Avoidance behaviors in the LGBT population due to early trauma.

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This post addresses sensitive topics related to personal experiences, mental health, and challenging life situations. Reader discretion is advised.

In this entry, as the title says, I'll talk about avoidance behaviors many LGBT members (mainly gay men) experience because of early childhood trauma, its roots, and consequences. All of that based on my observation through people I know, people I worked with, and my own experience dealing with trauma of this kind.

Many gay men, especially those born between 1995 and 2005, have experienced some unique forms of trauma. It's not as strong as the generations that lived before them, but it's subtle, present, and it eats them from the inside out. This can have multiple effects that can follow a person through the years, well into adulthood. Many of the gay men who were raised during these years or decades were insulted and labeled as "gay" even before they knew what the word meant. The world taught them that it was something wrong, bad, and that they must be kept away (if other people noticed that they were gay) or that they should stay away from gay people, almost as if this last group carried a contagious and dangerous sickness (in the case that they didn't know the person that they were warning was gay). In either case, this caused a lot of pressure on both groups of people. The first group, "The known gays", developed a way of thinking that they were wrong the way they were born, that they were a mistake, or various other hurtful labels. And the second group, which I'm going to label as "The not noticed gays", were developing a belief that they could never be themselves or show who they really were, or else they would suffer the same consequences that the first group was suffering every day.

In the long run, these thoughts altered the way their personalities developed, causing them to overcompensate or to escape the pain through some not-so-safe methods, such as excessive alcohol use, parties, intimate relationships with unknown men, substance abuse, involvement in adult services, among other dangerous ways of coping. Even if the roots of this trauma were different for both groups, they both face the same struggles, difficulty accepting themselves, difficulty with being open with who they are, anxiety about how the world, family, and friends might perceive them, and how their inner circle would react if they knew, leading many young gay men to struggle with their identity for years, some even their whole lives, in the worst scenarios, leading them to harm themselves.

Not every outcome is bad, of course. Many people are able to break from this cycle. Most of the time, it is only when this trauma can be overcome or learned to live with that people can begin to live peacefully. The problem with this is that many people get lost along the way, many people get hooked on addictions that shape their lives, enclosing them in a cycle they would hardly ever escape, and this reality is what led me to write this post.

As a gay man myself, I've dealt with this kind of trauma, and even if I haven't engaged in addictions to cope with it, I developed an avoidant personality and some strong anxiety as a direct consequence of the gay childhood trauma. Unfortunately, some people I know haven't been so "lucky" as I, some people I know fell into alcoholism and/or substance abuse. Others fell into the addiction of having intercourse with people they barely know. This last group I observed seems to be the "healthiest" on the outside, but on the inside, they struggle with a lot of insecurities, anxiety, and doubt about how much they can keep the "successful" facade. Even if on the outside they seem like the most social and outgoing people, some have confessed to me how much they suffer because they don't want people to know who they are, that they would even be willing to live a fake life, with a fake wife and family, just so their friends wouldn't know the truth and cut ties with them, leaving them to face a loneliness that they are scared to go through. It's tough, and not everyone realizes that they must get out of those dynamics before it's too late.

All of the above leads me to tell you: if you are struggling with a situation like this, seek help. It can be professional help if you need it, or help from someone you trust. You are strong and able to keep going if you are willing to do so. Get away from toxic groups of "friends" that would reject you for being who you are, those are not real friends, but you might find real ones in the future. Don't let others dictate the way you must live. Free yourself, enjoy, and don't feel obligated to explain yourself to anyone. You deserve happiness, love, and respect.

Stay strong and stay safe.

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This post was informed by my own experiences and by research exploring substance use and addiction risks in the LGBT community, including:

Substance Use and Misuse in MSM.

A systematic review of mental disorder and self-harm in lesbian, gay and bisexual people.

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Please do not repost or claim as your own. Sharing with credits is welcome.

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